The Cereal Box Mascot Tier List

The Column of All Cosmos

They are not all grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat, as it turns out.

Count Chocula, the best cereal on the planet, might not have the best mascot after all…

This has nothing to do with anything on this website. In fact, people have been ranking cereals for quite some time now. They are all wrong, of course, but I’m not here to get into that. I’m here to answer the question of which cereal box mascot would win in a fight, like a royal rumble or giant steel cage match in which only one can survive. I was listening to a Giant Bombcast a while back and it came up, like if there was a fighting game, who would the roster be, so I made this. A fighting game tier chart but, y’know, for cereal mascots.

The criteria is thus: how ruthless a killer you are, how good the cereal is, and how dumb their name is. That is about it. If you do not have a name, then you are bad and should feel bad.

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F TIER — WOULD GET BODIED IMMEDIATELY

• Dig’em Frog from Honey Smacks:

He has a backwards baseball cap. He has attitude! He would be the first to die in the ring, he would be stepped on and forgotten about, just like his awful cereal.

• The mutated waffle from Waffle Crisps:

Someone put it out of its misery, it’s clearly the bi-product of a corporate lab experiment gone horribly awry. Waffle human transfusion is a crime against humanity.

• The two guys who ride bikes on the Grape-Nuts box:

They seem to be having a lovely time. They would get pushed off the bikes and beaten to death with them, the helmets would not help much either.

• The Cornflakes Rooster:

He has a crazy look in his eye, but really this thing would walk around the arena and be kicked once, and fall over and die.

• The creature from Frosted Mini-Wheats:

What is that thing? Is it sentient? Does it have a gender? Someone would eat it for energy, I’m assuming.

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D TIER — WOULD GET BODIED SOON THERE AFTER

• CinnaMon and Bad Apple, from Apple Jacks:

Offensive pun aside, these two wouldn’t be the first to go, but would not fight because they’re probably stoned out of their minds. Someone has smoked weed from that apple guy FOR SURE, and the cinnamon dude looks like a blunt. Man that is racist the more I think about it, despite how god tier Apple Jacks is as a cereal.

• Toucan Sam and his children from Froot Loops:

Another amazing cereal I love, and another animal mascot that is not big or strong enough to put up a fight. Sure, fly around, until you get hit with something and just hit the ground for good. Sorry Sam, you were a family man.

• Tricks, the Trix rabbit:

Pro: he is bigger than human children, so the size advantage and shock factor could come in handy.

Con: he is consistently outsmarted by children. He is a giant wussy and can’t do anything right, that clumsy dumb fuck. He is too stupid to win anything, let alone a bowl of mediocre cereal.

• Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, who is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs:

He is clearly an addict, and would go into relapse without his puffs. He would keel over and OD, no chance at all. Also Cocoa Puffs are bad and if you eat them you should feel bad.

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C TIER — WOULD NOT SUCK, WOULD NOT WIN EITHER

• Chef Wendell, of Cinnamon Toast Crunch fame:

He seems like he knows how to raise the fists and tussle, but he is too old, doesn’t have the height advantage, and if he loses his glasses he is done for. The chaos would be too much for him, and he will die a hero. Toast Crunch is mad good.

• Snap, Crackle, Pop from Rice Krispies:

Here are the questions I have for these three; do they know magic? Can they cast spells? Would they ever turn on each other when things got bad? They are brothers, so I doubt it. Being a gnome/elf hybrid means they’re really small, so they might be frisky but would not beat anyone tiered above C.

• Chip the Cookie Crisp wolf/dog from Cookie Crisp:

He used to be a dog, and now he’s a wolf. Is Chip a shapeshifter? A werewolf? An animorph? What is his nature? Can he be a cold blooded killer? Maybe get in some claw swipes, take out a few birds flying around the pit, but I don’t know if a dog can win.

• Lucky the Leprechaun, from Lucky Charms:

He is another mage, or conjurer, or wizard who can use magic to make it last a while. But I think he just summons cereal and rainbows, and not like lightning bolts or anything cool, or useful. So he’s another tiny non-human who would just be overpowered halfway through the fight.

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B TIER — PUNCHER’S CHANCE

• Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, from Cocoa Pebbles:

First of all, Cocoa Pebbles is one of the best cereals ever, and Fruity Pebbles are trash. Now that we got that out of the way, Fred and Barney would take out the other animals and creatures extremely well, but do not have the wit or ingenuity to withstand modern combat or technology. They only use primitive tools, and Bamm-Bamm is not walking through that door to help them.

• Buzz, the Cheerios bee:

He could kill one person. And himself in the process. Not a bad way to go out.

• Captain Crunch:

An 18th century naval captain, the Captain has had many a year of navigating the open waters, fist fighting on the seas of the world, and learning the harsh cruel nature of life. His actual name is Horatio Magellan Crunch, which means he knows a thing or two, since he’s named after a pretty smart fellow. But he’s not as young and spry as he used to be, and the roof of his mouth is probably all cut up from eating his cereal on his ship.

• The Quaker from Quaker Oats:

Why are all of these people so old? They’re from some really fucked up eras in history, which means you gotta be the best of the best to survive until you’re elderly. But as a man of peace, the Quaker guy would have to just concede and welcome the sweet embrace of death, after he realizes that god is dead, and is not in every soul like he was taught all his life.

• Sugar Bear from Golden Crisp:

He’s a fucking bear. With a shirt on. He wears human clothes, probably from his victims. Standing on hind legs, bears are gigantic, and he could take out a few people before going down, because Golden Crisp is disgusting and that bear has had too much shitty cereal to have the conditioning needed to survive.

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A TIER — THE CREAM OF THE CROP

• Boo Berry:

Now we get to the real contenders. Booberry is a fucking ghost. How the fuck do you stop that? For one thing, Boo looks like he was a teenager who killed himself, so he may be inexperienced interacting with other people, especially ones that try to kill you. Also, I’m not sure how he would actually defeat people, outside of using the devil’s blood magic to possess or summon wraiths and specters. Really it comes down to if he can scare people to death, and if he goes back to hell after his cereal stops being sold in November.

• Franken Berry:

Frank here is maybe the biggest competitor, and has the brute strength and raw killing potential to go the distance. But, he could fall apart, and come away at the seams, so you know where the weaknesses are; in the pipes shooting out of his head. Just twist and snap off, and he is decapitated.

• Count Alfred Chocula:

Count Chocula, the best cereal known to man, is a vampire. He would get to feed off of almost all of the combatants listed here, because they all have the blood he seeks, the fuel he craves. But, as we all know, vampires are not immortal, and so you could take on his frail figure and take him out if you know what you’re doing.

• Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes:

Tony is a fucking tiger. Nature’s killing machine, he is born to murder and maul. He’s huge, fit, excises, and is primed for carnage. He even has a bib for the gore! But would the best animal on this list defeat the best human, or supernatural creature? I doubt it, but I would not want to fuck with Tony.

• Sunny the Sun, from Raisin Bran:

Is he the sun? Like, the actual sun? Our sun? Or another sun? He is small? Big? How close to becoming a star is he? Can he explode soon? Implode? He is burning out? Would he drop his two scoops, or use them? Can he burn people to death? Well, I cannot say for sure, but he seems highly volatile, and Raisin Bran is gross and not worth eating. Fuck that shit.

• Any athlete from Wheaties:

Take your pick; Jerry Rice, Jesse Owens, Bob Cousy, Bart Starr, Carl Lewis, Pete Rose, Walter Payton, Jim Kelly, Michael Jordan, the Detroit Pistons, Horace Grant, Babe Ruth, Larry Bird, John Elway, Cal Ripken Jr., Dan Marino, Jackie Robinson, Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Mean Joe Greene, Terrell Davis, Brett Farve, Mark McGwire, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Arnold Palmer, Joe Torre, Muhammad Ali, Hank Aaron, Kevin Garnett, Wayne Gretzky, Peyton Manning, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, David Robinson, Michael Phelps, Michael Vick, Dr. J, Doug Flutie, Bill Russell, Lindsey Vonn, Willis Reed, Aaron Rodgers, Stephen Curry, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Marcus Allen, Wilt Chamberlin, Walt Frazier, Marshall Faulk, Magic Johnson, Scottie Pippen, Rod Woodson, or Nolan Ryan.

Not Lou Gehrig though, he was the first guy on the box. Yeah, that would not work out well.

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S TIER — BET YOUR MONEY ON HIM

• Mr. T

I pity the fool who picks against him. I dare you, fucker. I fucking dare you. Do it. You won’t. He would beat any sucker dumb enough to get in the ring with him.

The Official Backyard Baseball Tier List

The Column of All Cosmos

We want a batter, not a broken ladder!

We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!

We all played this game when we grew up, right? Alongside all of the other Humongous games made for children in the ‘90s? Some of those games are still great, and hold up really well (like Spy Fox’s humor). Others don’t, and this might be one of them. But instead of admitting that and doing a deep dive into why, I’ll just stick with my nostalgia and make a tier list for the best players in the game. I have to keep those warm memories with me, and not crush them by playing this game and being disappointed.

The criteria is simple: I added each player’s stats together, figured out who had the most raw talent in each of the four categories of skill (batting, pitching, fielding, and running), and sort of went from there. Hitting is the most important, you want power to end games because offense = wins. Fielding is next in importance because you need to be able to shut down the AI when they do inevitably hit, and you won’t be able to play all 9 guys on the field at once. Running is next, it can be really helpful in certain moments of a tight game, and pitching is least important. Just pick a spot and throw, and hope they don’t hit the ball, there’s almost nothing you can do.

And now for the best character in video games to introduce us in, is VINNIE THE GOOCH!!!!!!!!!!!

F TIER:

30. Jorge Garcia — Sorry Jorge, you are the worst player in the game. Logic would reason that being average at everything, a jack of all trades, master of none, would be helpful. It isn’t. You have no skills, can’t do anything beyond mediocrity, and I don’t know what position you play. The description below says your poor eyesight on a count of social Darwinism means you can’t even be hid out in the outfield! What a joke you are Jorge.

29. Reese Worthington — So slightly better than him is a kid who can run around and play outfield. Great. Nothing special to see here folks. Especially when it blatantly says below he is too short and can’t play in the field. What garbage.

28. Gretchen Hasselhoff — She would be completely useless if not for the fact that she can pitch and run after a decent swing. Otherwise, look elsewhere for pitchers.

27. Kimmy Eckman — Pippy Longstocking here can hit a long ball, but cannot for the life of her chase after it. If you can’t circle the bases you’re dead in the water, and with no other skills, Kimmy is trash tier.

26. Sally Dobbs — This lovable loser can do one thing slightly better than these other F tier kids: field. You can safely put her in the outfield or diamond and she will not screw anything up for you. But, unfortunately, she cannot hit, so she is ranked low.

D TIER:

T — 22. Sidney Webber, Ashley Webber, Ricky Johnson, Lisa Crocket — These asshats are the absolute last picks in a draft, and should not be taken unless you need to fill in bodies on a roster. They can be a great pitching rotation by themselves, but unfortunately cannot do much else well enough to matter. They can’t hit, they can’t play the field, so they are D tier.

21. Billy Jean Blackwood — I just read that player description again and laughed at it. She can hit, which is good. She cannot run or pitch, which is bad. She can play first base, which is great. She cannot catch very well, the most important thing at that position, which is not great. Avoid her and her freakish pre-teen body.

C TIER:

T — 19. Amir Khan and Ronnie Dobbs — These two dorky looking clowns are almost useless, other than they can hit well and aren’t horrible at anything in particular. The pitching stat is wasted on these guys because there are better pitchers who have other attributes. They are the definition of mediocre, C tier players.

18. Vicki Kawaguchi — Vicki is like Draymond Green, the ultimate utility player. She can do everything except score, which puts her dead last on a batting order and makes any manager afraid when she is at the plate. Speed is great, 4/4 speed is blazing, and the fielding is terrific, but the pitching stat is useless and it’s hard to justify using her other than sparingly.

17. Luanne Lui — She is an interesting back-up, and you can only use her as pitching relief. She can hit decently well, but makes for a great bunter who can gun it going 9th in the line-up when you need a pinch hit. Luanne is a fun risk/reward player.

16. Marky Dubois — There are other players who have similar stat-lines, but the problem with Marky the redneck/churchgoer here is that he cannot run. At all. He can hit, but if it’s not a home-run you’re toast. And you won’t ever use him as a pitcher, so it’s hard to rank him as B tier with such a vital flaw in his game. You need to score runs in this game, and he is a liability.

B TIER:

15. Dante Robinson — For someone with such a wicked awesome afro, he sure is a speed demon. Dante is a great clean-up guy, someone who can be relied on for his lightning fast running and stealing skills, and can be put at any base for fast tag-outs. Sometimes you need guys on your team like this.

14. Dmitri Petrovich — Another strong bat in the line-up is never a bad thing, especially since he can run after some line drives and bunts, saving innings by himself. Otherwise, hide him in the outfield and rely on his power and speed.

13. Tony Delvecchio — I am a sucker for Tony, the Italian stereotypical kid. I like having him on my team because he reminds me of my family, and he’s funny. The stats are decent enough, hits and fields, that’s what you want a majority of your roster to do well, and this is a sentimental ranking mostly at 13, but the B tier status is undeniable, considering the most important stats he has in spades.

T-11. Maria Luna and Annie Frazier—Both very well rounded players, much Maria and Annie are both solid enough overall to choose safely. The pitching stats are awful but you don’t need 9 pitchers on a team, you need hitters and runners and fielders and basemen. They do it all, and are great for any team.

A TIER:

10. Kenny Kawaguchi — Here is the other ace pitcher, and a terrific back-up/reliever/closer. With the wheels, he can be dangerously slippery and steal bases and make up for his lack-luster batting. He won’t be out in the field much, but on the mound, he is a flamethrower. What good upper body strength.

9. Ernie Steele — Future Golden Glove winner Ernie here is important for catching flies, stopping double or triple plays from snowballing, and can also fill in as a relief pitcher (which many of the cast can do, admittedly). But his defense is top notch and I don’t mind that he isn’t flashy.

8. Achmen Khan — Achmed is the prime example of a great catcher. He can hit it far when needed, or bunt and run in a pinch, and you hide his fielding flaws by putting him behind the plate. This guy is always my catcher on a team, and I love having as many power hitters to squeak out a close game or to close out a big lead.

7. Stephanie Morgan — The actually most well rounded player (besides the GOAT at number 1, look out for that), Steph is a lock because of her versatility. She doesn’t have a 4 in any stat, but that’s okay, this isn’t golf or tennis. This is a team game!

6. Mikey Thomas — Mikey is a slower Jocinda (coming up next); same positives but slightly worse negatives. But that is okay for a pudgy hitter, because he is essentially the David Ortiz of this game, except he can also be in the field and not be stuck at DH. Having offense is important in this game, since there are only 2 ace pitchers in the game.

S TIER:

5. Jocinda Smith — She is a power hitter who is sensational at defense. I do not care if she’s slow or can’t do much else, you knock one out of the ballpark and it does not matter how long it takes to circle the plates.

4. Angela Delvecchio — Not a bad placing for someone with poor overall collective stats. But she is the best pitcher in the game, and is only one of two players with a 4/4 rating in pitching. She is the Sandy Koufax of this game, and she doesn’t have to go last in your batting order because she is also above average at hitting! Holy hell, is she reliable and versatile. That kid has got quite the arm.

3. Pete Wheeler — Pete might be a real dummy, and really annoying, but my lord is he well rounded and a mandatory top five pick. You can put him first in your batting order and let him rip the whole game through, because he hits, he plays good D, and he runs like the wind.

2. Kiesha Phillips — She is Pablo light; she can do everything offensively that he can, but is slightly worse in the field. But that’s okay, being the second best player is nothing to sneeze at, when you’re following in the footsteps of the Greatest Of All Time aka the GOAT.

The obvious number 1 and GOAT of Backyard Baseball is Pablo Sanchez — The Secret Weapon, he has nearly maxed out stats, and is the best character in the game. You pick him number 1, every time. Way too OP for a children’s sports game. He bats fourth in the line-up, with bases loaded, and it’s game over. Plus his music is so godlike, so yeah this game is essentially Pablo Sanchez Baseball 1997, that should be the title. He has a 3 in pitching, how fucking preposterous is that!

The Witness

Level Design Hall of Fame

Witness the genius of this game

I still have no idea what the title of this game means, by the way

Out of all of the Level Design Hall of Fame videos I have done, or intend to do, I don’t think anything will achieve the brilliance that this game is able to pull off. The Witness is a game that is capable of blowing your mind through nothing but pure gameplay, at its most basic and conceptual level. No text, no story, no guide, no map, quest arrow, items, enemies, AI, nothing. Nothing but puzzles and intricate level design, art design, sound design, and magic fairy pixie dust sprinkled on top for good measure. It’s incredibly rare to find something like this, so let’s marvel at this masterpiece.

If you are so inclined, the link for my channel (where you can find other videos in the series) is here. And you can follow me on Twitter here.

Hard Rain

Level Design Hall of Fame

And it’s HARD to hold a candle, in the cold November RAIN

Or I’ll just end up walkin’
In the cold November rain

I have an oldie but goodie for this week’s Level Design Hall of Fame. This is a redone video on Left 4 Dead 2’s Hard Rain, and I’ll be double or triple dipping in older Valve games because they’re honestly some of the best ever made. Why can’t we get another one of these, honestly? Makes me so mad, that they just keep silent and do nothing but tinker with (and screw up) Steam. Fucking Gabe.

If you are so inclined, the link for my channel (where you can find other videos in the series) is here. And you can follow me on Twitter here.

Video Game Code Names, Ranked

The Column of All Cosmos

In honor of the Scorpio reveal, whenever that happens

Cannot imagine a worse name than the Xbox Two

We got a lame reveal of the specs for Scorpio, and no name, price, look, or any other actually important details. Which begs the question: is Scorpio the greatest code name in video game console history? Well, it’s time to do the internet’s favorite thing (no, not harassment), ranking things in lists!

My criteria: how cool the codename is to say out loud, how good the console ended up being, and if the code name was BETTER than the real name. And I threw in some stuff that’s not a console, like hardware peripherals and other important stuff that counts because the code name was rad, so deal with it losers. So let us get down to bickering about random nonsense that does not matter, aka the blueprint to get to the internet’s heart.

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34. Citra — 3DS

33. Durango — Xbox One

32. Coleen — Atari 800

31. Project Natal — Kinect

30. Orbis — PlayStation 4

29. Mark V — Sega Genesis/Mega Drive

28. NGP (Next Generation Portable) — PlayStation Vita

27. Pam — Atari 5200

26. Jupiter — Sega Saturn

25. Arc — PlayStation Move

24. Mercury — Sega Game Gear

23. Nitro — Nintendo DS

22. Project Cafe — Wii U

21. Mars — Sega 32X

20. MARZ (Microsoft Active Reality Zone), VERV (Virtual Entertainment and Reality Venture), TAC (Total Action Center), TS0 (Three Six Zero), CPG (Cyber Playground), DirectX-box — Xbox

19. PS-X — PlayStation

18. Venus — Sega Nomad

17. Neo — PS4 Pro

16. Neptune — 32X/Mega Drive combo unit (unreleased, but still pretty dope for a planet codename)

15. Candy —Atari 400

14. Project Reality, Ultra 64 — Nintendo 64

13. Atlantis — Game Boy Advance

12. NX — Switch

11. Stella — Atari 2600

10. Oxygen — Game Boy Micro

9. White Belt, Katana, Guppy, Black Belt, Shark, Dural — Dreamcast

8. Dolphin — GameCube

7. Virtual Utopia Experience — Virtual Boy

6. Morpheus — PS VR

5. Scorpio — Xbox One X? Or whatever they end up calling it, doesn’t really matter, Scorpio is a great code name by itself

4. Dot Matrix Game — Game Boy

3. Xenon — Xbox 360

2. B52 Rock Lobster — Commodore Amiga 500 (I do not care if this is cheating because this is the best of the PC ones, so deal with it)

Revolution — Wii

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BONUS MATCH

Microsoft versus Apple, who has the better code names? Below is a non-comprehensive list of the various operating system and program code names, everything Windows and Mac and Apple and MS. Who has the edge? Let’s run it down:

• Janus — Windows 3.1
• Snowball — Windows for Workgroups 3.11
• Chicago — Windows 95
• Nashville — Windows 96
• O’Hare — First version of Internet Explorer
• Memphis, Detroit — Windows 98
• Daytona — Windows NT 3.5
• Cairo, Hydra— Windows NT 4.0
• Neptune, Odyssey — Windows 2000 Home Edition
• Whistler — Windows XP
• Canary, Galileo, Gryphon, Hermes, Jupiter, Mira, Macallan, Mercury, Merlin, Orion, Pegasus, Rapier, Stinger, Venus, Wyvern— Windows CE for 2003 smart phones and pocket PCs and WebTV and some other stuff
• Millennium — Windows ME
• Longhorn — Windows Vista
• Lonestar — Windows XP Tablet PC 2005
• Aurora — Windows Small Business Server 2011 Essentials
• Vienna, Blackcomb — Windows 7
• Mango — Windows Phone 7
• Blue — Windows 8.1
• Apollo — Windows Phone 8
• Corona — Windows Media Player 9
• Brimstone — Adobe Photoshop 2.5 for Windows
• Snowball — Windows for Workgroups 3.11
• Threshold — Windows 10
• Redstone — Windows 10.1

versus

• Kodiak — MacOS
• Brooklyn — Apple ][x
• Cocoa — Apple Mac OS X API
• Moses — Apple Mac OS X Server-based
• Blue Box , Darwin— Mac OS layers
• Harmony — Mac OS 7.6
• Tempo — Mac OS 8.0
• Bride of Buster — Mac OS 8.1
• Allegro — Mac OS 8.5
• Star Trek — Mac OS for x86
• Sonata, Gershwin — Mac OS 9
• Fortissimo — Mac OS 9.1
• Moonlight — Mac OS 9.2
• Cheetah — Mac OS X 10.0
• Puma — Mac OS X 10.1
• Jaguar — Mac OS X 10.2
• Panther — Mac OS X 10.3
• Tiger — Mac OS X 10.4
• Leopard — Mac OS X 10.5
• Snow Leopard — Mac OS X 10.6

WINNER: MICROSOFT for being more original and taking risks and not doing fucking cats every year, that shit gets confusing and is lazy.

Lost E3 Interviews

Experiencing Content

I finally found some old archival footage of me talking to biggest figures in the industry. Can’t believe I lost these!

Strap in for some shocking quotes from Mr. Miyamoto himself.

Somehow I managed to lose, and then almost a year later, find some old interviews from E3. They are…rather shocking. Everything here is brutally honest, and totally 100% true. The best highlights and clips I’ve gathered with some B-Roll footage, so enjoy. I’m sure this will make headlines when the people hear what these legends have to say.

If you are so inclined, the link for my channel (where you can find other videos in the series) is here. And you can follow me on Twitter here.

What Are You Buying, Stranger?: Evaluating The Video Game Hype Stock Market

The Column of All Cosmos

Hype Rules Everything Around Me, HREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills y’all.

Bells Rule Everything Around Me, BREAM get the money

TIME TO BUY SOME HYPE

TIME TO SELL SOME HYPE

TIME TO BE CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC ABOUT PARTICULAR COMPANIES, FOR A MULTITUDE OF NIT-PICKY ISSUES

TIME FOR RAMPANT SPECULATION AND WILD INACCURACIES ABOUT THE GAMING INDUSTRY

LET’S GET GOING ON HYPING THINGS UP, WHICH IS LIKE MAYBE HONESTLY ONE OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS WE HAVE GOING, BUT HEY WE NEED TO KEEP THE PR CYCLE AND MARKETING CAMPAIGNS GOING RIGHT, E3 IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND NO, EVERYTHING IS FINE, PLEASE PRE-ORDER OUR GAME AND PLEASE BE EXCITED, AND YES WE ARE AWARE OF THE JOY-CON CONTROLLERS SYNC ISSUES BUT THERE IS NOTHING TO COMMENT ON AT THIS TIME SO WHATEVER LET’S GET STARTED.

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Rockstar owns both the real and fictional stock markets, they are both that good

STUPID EASY MONEY — Rockstar

This is the most brain dead analysis around: Rockstar is a silent juggernaut that doesn’t have to lift a finger, and yet everybody pays attention to literally anything they do or say. And that’s for good reason; they make some of the best games in the world and release them at such a methodical pace, you never get burnt out on them (unlike something like Just Dance).

Red Dead Redemption 2, no matter how much you and I disagree about that lazy naming convention, is going to be a blockbuster and a strong GOTY contender, and nobody would bat an eye at that sentence. It’s just going to happen, they’re going to drop the details at just the right moment, and then boom years later it’s constantly in the top five best sellers every month and we all nod our heads in collective agreement. More power to them, they’re the easiest money to bet on around. Buying Rockstar hype in fictional stock form is like buying air, it just keeps rising and is impenetrable and impervious to any deflation. Buy this with reckless abandon, guilt free.

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I do not want to advocate treason, or tampering with the stock markets

BUY — CD Projekt RED

I bet you all forgot about them, didn’t you? Every pays attention to North American based studios, and Japanese studios, but nobody keeps their eye on the ball when it comes to Europe. Specifically, Poland, where the pound for pound best developers in the world work. CD Projekt RED is exactly the punk rock, kick ass company this industry needs. They make incredibly smart decisions, put quality above all else, and are moral vanguards when it comes to DRM, DLC, and customer feedback.

Coming off their magnum opus, The Witcher 3, which deserves every award it got and then some, are already in the middle of producing the next big free-to-play smash in Gwent. It’s so good, it’ll disrupt other CCG titles vying to take down a wounded Hearthstone (Elder Scrolls, Hex, Duelyst, Shadowverse, etc.) and you can read all about it here!

https://freshlypoppedculture.com/i-meant-to-pay-rent-but-instead-i-went-to-play-gwent-and-now-im-spent-of-my-cents-c7024034f8d2

And on top of that, there’s the mysterious Cyberpunk 2077, which not only sounds incredible so far, but is now backed by the Polish government, has multiplayer, and is coming either this year or next year, which means you can smell a tasty E3 behind closed door impression blow-out that will win awards and explode minds. Buy the hype now before the stock gets over-saturated. You heard it here first, don’t sleep on the kings of the gaming world.

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Yeah, collect those coins! And thank you IGN for this image, I appreciate it

SMART OPPORTUNITY — Playtonic

I’m no stranger to talking about Yooka Laylee, the spiritual sequel to Banjo Kazooie, and if you want a whole rundown on why I love Rare and will easily fall in love with Playtonic, you can check this out:

https://freshlypoppedculture.com/i-meant-to-pay-rent-but-instead-i-went-to-play-gwent-and-now-im-spent-of-my-cents-c7024034f8d2

So just because I’m incredibly excited about a $40 platforming game doesn’t necessarily mean you should, right? Well, consider the out of nowhere success of Shovel Knight, an indie that didn’t land on people’s radars until it showed up on every GOTY list. The retro nostalgia craze has finally culminated into a period where devs can make actual classics instead of treading old ground to emulate classics, and I truly believe that this game is going to be special, and start a whole new wave of imitators and knock-offs. A Hat in Time is in a similar boat, and the 3D platforming genre is about to pop off in a way it hasn’t since maybe 1998.

Get in before the madness begins, because Shovel Knight is IN this game. HE’S IN IT. That has to mean more cross-ups down the line with Yacht Club…

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Buying stocks and hype is like gambling, in that it’s all luck and no skill

SAMPLE — Bethesda

The choice for a sampling depends on what kind of games you like to play, pure and simple. Bethesda is ramping up to their E3 showcase with some games we already know about (Prey, Quake Champions, Wolfenstein New Colossus, Elder Scrolls Legends) and some we don’t (Evil Within 2, anything else they’re working on). There isn’t a bad bet in here, but without more details, it’s hard to know exactly what you’re buying into. Maybe there’s a new Fallout or Doom surprise thing, or one of these games sucks totally, who knows. Since Bethesda only sends out their games a day before launch, we won’t know. Unless you’re an ‘influencer’, then maybe you’ll know ahead of time. But this is a safe buy, and you can dabble in much worse companies and line-ups. You could do much, much worse. Trust me.

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Moneybags is the reason Skylanders exist, pure profit

CONSIDER — Activision

This is a tricky one to assess, not only because it feels like Blizzard is a totally separate entity (if you love Starcraft remakes and Hearthstone expansions, sign right up) but because this is going to be a funky year for the biggest publisher in the world. They went all in on Bungie, and the result was a few years of Destiny. It wasn’t a flop, by any stretch, but you’re either in or out on that game completely. The sequel being leaked early was sloppy, and I don’t know what to make of any of it, honestly. I felt burnt by that game, Bungie is clearly not the studio they once were, and we know whether or not you’re excited.

The same would go for Call of Duty, except the mix-up this year is World War II? I mean, yeah sure, why not. Again, you already know if you’re in or out but this is an interesting experiment, on the back of Battlefield 1. Quite frankly, it’s going to be hard to top World at War, I love that game, but more power to you.

The stock is always fine for buying, I’m not enthused, but there’s always a Skylanders to bank on. And Tony Hawk…oh nevermind. RIP that series. And Guitar Hero…nope, not that either. Huh, weird how they run franchises into the ground. That can’t be good for business long term, right?

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A live look at Microsoft figuring out how to build the Scorpio

RISKY — Microsoft

There is a real risky upside to buying into Microsoft hype stock. On paper, they have few exclusives left, and any we don’t know about are likely guessable (they start with the letters F, G, and H). The Scorpio is a giant question mark, and will be expensive, justifiably so, but still. And yet, after the crushing disappointments of Fable and Scalebound and ReCore, I can’t help but think Microsoft has some cards up their sleeves. They’re either going to have a killer Scorpio conference into E3 into a strong holiday, or a huge bust the whole year long.

But I don’t see them saving their cards, I foresee them showing their hand early and going for it to bolster the Scorpio release. Crackdown 3, Sea of Thieves, Cuphead, a few surprises, and a superior home console, that could be the start of something magical. Or not, because they don’t have Nioh or Nier or Horizon or Zelda, all games that will dominate most of 2017’s eyeballs.

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They will never live this down, will they?

WAIT AND SEE — EA

Oh Electronic Arts, what will you do next? There’s no telling what the quality of EA is from game to game, they are by far the most inconsistent company around. Wild swings in both directions means uncertainty, and the markets loathe uncertainty. Battlefield 1, great! Plants versus Zombies, underrated! NBA Live, they still make that? Mass Effect Andromeda, meh? Titanfall 2, boy did they bury that in an awful shitty release window! Way to shoot yourselves in the foot with a great game, you clowns.

Outside of the sports game cycle, we get the bi-annual stalwart Battlefront 2, now with single player, yippee. What other Star Wars projects are going to be shown? Who knows, maybe they’ll never be ready. And Need for Speed, maybe that’s dead alongside Criterion, which is really a shame on both accounts. So not only do you not really ever know what they’re up to on the periphery (remember Yarny?) but it’s a crap-shoot for their AAA titles. Hell, Battlefield 4 and Hardline were giant busts, why couldn’t the next game be? Time will only tell, but let’s hope Amy Hennig can come to save the day.

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Mario prints money, coins, and hype

DON’T BUY — Nintendo

Hey, remember when Nintendo put out an excellent game? You’re going to be waiting a while before that happens again. Like, possibly an entire year. You don’t have to sell Nintendo stock, but the enthusiasm will quickly dry up without some fuel for their fire. The Switch might collect dust as we go through E3, wait for Super Mario Odyssey to get delayed, and then anyone who wanted to buy a Switch can’t and they sit on their thumbs and go onto play something else. It’s going to be a rough year, unless you REALLY like milking invisible cows. Like, fetish levels of milking cow utters. Which is fine, I will not judge you, but that’s what Nintendo is offering right now. A milking simulator. Buy a cheap Wii U, Zelda, Splatoon, and Mario Kart 8 and it’s like owning a Switch basically without the virtual milk.

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For Honor’s microtransactions should not be bought, like Ubisoft hype or stock

SELL — Ubisoft

Boy oh boy, what to do with Ubi. Ghost Recon came back, nobody noticed. Watch Dogs is a franchise everyone doesn’t seem to necessarily want, but will take. Assassin’s Creed is set to return with a game in Egypt that has been leaked out the wazoo. What else, they buried Rayman and Rabbids, launched Steep, For Honor is cool, maybe we’ll all buy that when it goes on sale or something. Yeah, not a lot of momentum going for them, and I’m not sure another Far Cry or whisper about Beyond Good and Evil can do anything to stop the stock from falling fast and hard. Whatever hope you have you might as well sell, unless you love Just Dance beyond comprehension. Which is fine, no judgements, but this is a wasteland of hype.

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This God we all worship and bow down to is a lie, he has not brought us a game with 3 in the title and never will, so let’s all be atheists and never give him money ever again

GHOST TOWN — Valve

Do they even make games anymore?

Is VR dead?

What are they working on?

Whose dick do I have to suck to get a Left 4 Dead sequel off the ground? Jesus Christ, Valve, cut it out with DOTA and fix up Steam you sacks of shit, and stop letting talented people leave every god damn week. Gabe, what the fuck is going on. I know it’s fun to print money and sit on your ass all day, and joke about Half-Life and do interviews on Reddit, but for the love of all that is holy be a company that releases products. That we can buy. Total horseshit stock until they do something, which when they do, will be solid gold. The hype will be palpable, tangible excitement, but until that day, they are to be forgotten and shamed and shunned.

https://freshlypoppedculture.com/i-meant-to-pay-rent-but-instead-i-went-to-play-gwent-and-now-im-spent-of-my-cents-c7024034f8d2

Makes me so mad, they took Dust out of the competitive Counter-Strike cycle. The greatest multiplayer map of all time, come on.