Loop-de-loop and pull, and your shoes are looking cool!
Is it spelled gameplay, game play, or game-play?
So I originally planned on making a video about Nioh. Then I beat that game and started Horizon, and then planned on adding another 5 minutes or so. But then I rambled while recording and editing, and it ballooned from 10 to almost 20 minutes and now you have to watch this thing, it’s super long. So enjoy, I go off on a rant about Halo, that was not planned either. I have to write scripts for these, but I can’t find the time.
Not to be confused with Hearthstone, that’s a different thing
Only you can prevent forest fires
I don’t think we give enough credit to CD Projekt for being excellent writers, and so I’m here to do just that. I can’t stop thinking about my 200 hour expedition into The Witcher 3, and although I’m done with it, it left an indelible mark on me, especially with Iris, a woman who thought she was marrying the perfect husband and ended up being a casualty of a deal with the devil gone wrong. Hearts of Stone tackles love, misery, loss, marriage, and consequence, and ends up having some wonderful moments where theme is all over every mission and action. Painting a world that reflects what you feel is one thing, but being trapped inside someone’s art is another, and I simply love the writing here to death. This shit gets me every time:
“I’ll remember you”, says Iris.
“It matters not”, says Olgierd.
Everything she says is poetry, every fucking line; she earns every moment and is one of the most tragic characters in games that I can ever remember. So enough babbling, watch the video.
I will try my best to not give the entire show an F.
I refuse to call this game Anthem because that’s my health insurance. This will forever be known as Bioware’s Destiny
I’m on vacation right now, I don’t feel like doing an introduction. You know exactly what kind of article this is, the title says it all. I’m sure you’ve read a million of these already, maybe even written your own, and we’ve all come to a conclusion on the best and worst of E3. The middle might be different based on several factors but honestly who cares. There is no criteria, just read whatever I wrote and go on with your day. Thank you.
PC Gaming Show gets an F
Stop doing press conferences.
EA gets a D-
Stop doing press conferences. You clearly don’t want to do them, you feel obligated to, so just don’t. Nobody is forcing you to. Stream your big fall shooter elsewhere, or don’t bother otherwise. Really, this isn’t an eSports tournament, this is E3. We don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about when you shout-cast a game nobody has played yet. You ruined the Anthem reveal at Microsoft (it looks cool), and outside of A Way Out (also looks cool) you had a waste of a show and should just stop wasting money entirely. Do an EA direct and don’t bring out Andrew Wilson out on stage in a shiny suit any longer. Where the fuck was Amy Henning’s game? Burnout? Skate 4? You’re trash EA.
Bethesda gets a C+
Stop doing press conferences. If you don’t have anything gigantic to announce, i.e. a Fallout or Elder Scrolls, then stay home. Don’t make an audience, both online and in person, sit and watch that 40 minute trailer. It was useless. These were all press releases, and the two “genuine” surprises were not surprising at all because they leaked ahead of time. Like Dishonored 2. You clearly felt the need to keep doing these things, and didn’t have the line-up to do so. Sound familiar? This trend is harrowing, because either these companies are going through the motions at this point, honestly don’t have enough to show, or are intentionally hiding stuff back to make the whole year feel “special”. Go to hell Bethesda. And while you’re at it, fix your review policy because it backfired on Prey whereas it got lucky with Doom. Let Todd Howard break free from his rusty cage, damnit.
Microsoft gets a B-, deserves worse
You stupid idiots. You stupid fucking idiots. You had the perfect opportunity and you blew it. Did you watch that Sony show? It was basically a repeat of last year! They didn’t show anything new! You had the CHANCE to get back in the game, and you blew it. Now Sony is going to flex its muscles all year, cutting the price on their consoles, showing off the awesome games they decided to hold off on at E3 as they dominate Gamescom and Playstation Experience and you’ll have what. What? I’m so ticked off, you have no idea. I own both an Xbox One and PS4 and I love the rivalry, and as much as I adore the flubs Jim Ryan of Sony, and the easy home runs Microsoft hit off those softballs, the show wasn’t enough. It was a very good show, very solid, but not what you needed to do. The Xbox One X is fine, the name is fine, the price is fine. Not spectacular. Sea of Thieves looks sick, Forza 7 looks sick, Crackdown 3…we’ll see. They were not firework explosions. Anthem and Shadow of War and AC Origins all seem like safe bets and will be worthy of buying if you’re into those things. Not a single one is an exclusive. Cuphead got a release date, thank goodness, Ori 2 is real thank goodness, and PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (which I correctly predicted) is coming as well thank GOODNESS. They will show up on other consoles eventually. This was the time for a knockout punch when Sony seemed on the ropes, and you just jabbed them and then walked away. Failing Microsoft. Sad!
Sony gets a B, deserves worse
You fucking idiots. Y’all real fucking lucky Microsoft didn’t land the uppercut because you can tell Layden was either not committing the big guns to E3 because he didn’t need to, or The Last of Us Part 2 and Death Stranding and Sucker Punch’s new game are just not ready to show. But while that makes their E3 showing the worst one in years, it doesn’t sink them whatsoever. Buy a PS4 and play Horizon or Nioh and have a great time. God of War, sign me up. Detroit? Sure I guess. Spider-man? It is probably a lot of people’s Game of the Show. Uncharted with Chloe? As Rick James once said: “give it to me, baby”. Shadow of the Colossus with better controls? Fuck yeah. Still not sold on Days Gone, and other than that there wasn’t anything of note. It really was a repeat of last year, which is why I’m so lukewarm on Sony this year. But those few games are very impressive, but there was no mind blowing announcements, which is the fucking point of E3, and Sony knew that because they demonstrated it ever since 2013. They’re the kings of reveals, and just didn’t want to waste their ammo this year, which is lame but understandable.
Ubisoft gets an A-
NOW we get to the good stuff, which there is not enough of this year. Ubisoft knew how to put on a conference, and oddly not having a host really helped. They cut down on the amount of AC Origins because they already showed that at Microsoft (see EA? That’s how you do it). They opened the show with Miyamoto making gifs and memes, and that Kingdom Battle game looks nuts, what a fever dream. That should not be real, someone at Ubisoft came up with that playing Mad Libs. South Park got 2 games, which both look very good, there were no Tom Clancy games or Splinter Cell reboot, but that didn’t really hamper anything. Just Dance was very short this year, and had some really hot singer there so I didn’t take a bathroom break, and they ended the show with Far Cry 5 (I’m hype beyond words) and possibly the moment of the show with Michel Ancel crying at BG&E2. What a fucking reveal, what a trailer, what a moment. Ubisoft, that is how you do E3, lead by example and show these other fuckers how to do it right!
Nintendo gets an A, and the title of best show at E3, somehow
I cannot believe they won. They get a flat A, begrudgingly, but the company with the lowest expectations, and the shortest number of games and time spent showing said games, only brought the best. The absolute best. Stunning how short and sweet and simple it all was. Show a video, no fat, all big shit, the best surprises, and then BAM a trailer for Super Mario Odyssey that goes straight into the Treehouse stream for more gameplay. And let me be clear: the moment of E3 might have been Beyond Good and Evil 2, but THEY HAD TWO METROID GAMES. TWO. One was 3D and one was 2D! Are you kidding me? The one-two punch of present and future with Metroid Prime 4 and Cappy the hat on a taxi and a dinosaur, that was just too much to handle. I do not remember the last time my jaw literally dropped watching a trailer, for a game I have already seen! Incredible, Odyssey is my Game of the Show, the Best of E3, and Nintendo just crushed it. I have to buy a Switch now, god fucking damnit Nintendo I don’t have the time or money for this shit, I hate you. Fuck, that game looks so good though.
The bait and switch on this trailer is astonishing, and needs to win an award.
I owned both of these sabers as a child, I wish I still had them or else I’d be as happy as the Emperor is here in this photo.
Okay listen, I ran out of ideas and E3 is coming up next week and I’m going on vacation watching every second of it, and this was the best I could come up with in short notice. It’s really dumb, I hate doing these joke lists with so few actual items to rank, but here we are. I’m lazy, I’ll be in E3 bliss coming up, this is all you’re getting, deal with it.
Here is where I usually post the criteria, but really there isn’t one. They’re fucking colors. For fictional weapons. For not even all of the movies, and by the way, three of them are unwatchable canon breaking garbage that should be removed from the public record. Except the memes that live online, those are the only nuggets of value that came from those fucking prequels. The memes, and the score. That’s it.
“Ahsoka Tano was the first character to wield white-bladed sabers (as an adult, on Star Wars Rebels). The story of how she acquired white Kyber crystals has yet to be told.”
Yeah, I can confirm this is dumb looking. It just doesn’t work. I know the crystals inside each saber are colored differently, and that’s how each one gets their color, but a white crystal is just a regular crystal. White Kyber crystals are lame, this just looks weak. Get a shiny silver sword or something with more visual flair; nobody buys a white sports jersey, they get one with color on it! It stands out better. Fuck white.
And speaking of fuck whites, you know what needs to stop? White people who come up with movie conspiracy theories. Stop that. Please. Find another way to goat people into clicking on something. I’ll defend interpretations of art as much as the next guy, but there is some bullshit being rammed down our throats, everyone is trying to force everything to be connected or explained. Come the fuck on, it was neat when the first big one came out about Pixar films being in the same universe, but now it’s gone too far. Do something more productive with your time, like ranking lightsaber colors nevermind let’s move on to the next item on the list.
6. Piss Yellow
“Double-bladed yellow sabers are used exclusively by Jedi Temple Guards.”
Why do they have to be double-bladed? Why did Lucas introduce this to the canon, and now we all have to endure this nonsense for the rest of our lives? Lightsabers were supposed to be the sci-fi version of medieval swords, or Japanese samurai swords, not whatever Darth Maul had. And yellow? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I like that color on things like bananas and Spongebob, but it’s not an intimidating sight for a Jedi or Sith. Sorry, it’s not; it’s like your saber is malfunctioning. Do you remember the explosion the moment we all saw Kylo Ren’s busted ass saber? We spent weeks looking at that frame in the trailer!
While I’m on the subject, I have fucking had it with frame by frame trailer breakdowns looking for easter eggs, because a lot of these movies either end up sucking hard or we just obsess over Rogue One footage missing, because that is how films are made. They get reshot and marketing is not your friend, internet. Trailers are not made by the creative team behind your favorite movies, they are made in an editing bay to trick and deceive you into selling tickets. Also known as giving studios your money. Why have an enthusiast site anymore when Time Magazine is breaking down the Alien Covenant trailer for clues, a former legitimate news entity has been debased to feeding you idiots this trash, because they need those tasty hits yum yum yum and you need to taste the newest footage om nom nom.
5. Samuel L. Jackson’sPurple
“A rarer lightsaber color seen on some Jedi blades. Best known for its use by Mace Windu.”
Sorry Mace Windu defenders; he’s a bad character played by a world-class actor, in a horrible role with awful lines to deliver and no real arc or motivation. Being a ‘good’ Jedi with no other defining features is boring and lazy screenwriting. And while purple is cool on paper, really what happened was Sam Jackson asked George Lucas to have his be purple and Lucas said ‘sure, fuck it’. That’s it. No more further context or backstory behind it, no meaning, nothing interesting. Just a way to shoehorn in a new color for the toy line. Weak.
You also know what’s weak? New social media apps. Stop it, not everything is going to turn into a platform. It’s too late and you missed the window and it’s really not going to happen. Honestly, it’s fun to think that’s a thing, something new and smart that could topple Twitter or Facebook, the giants. Never going to happen. Go start something else….up. Peach? Google Plus? Mastodon? You stole a metal band’s name are you fucking serious with that shit? Your users will dwindle, and you’re going to become a punch line on Twitter soon, a sad meme and then maybe if you’re lucky a trivial pursuit question in 20 years. If myspace couldn’t be revived, and if snapchat’s stock keeps falling thanks to Mark Zuckerberg’s evil plans to rule the world, then you have no chance. Zero. None.
4. Lame Blue
“Probably the most standard color for a Jedi lightsaber. Used by Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.”
You guys hear a foghorn? BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG. This is the most generic of all the colors. It’s fine. I could have done without the double blue at the end of Revenge of the Sith, in that duel above the lava. It’s just so overused at this point, and every trailer and poster has it now, but I get it; it’s necessary for the dichotomy going on at the heart of Star Wars. Blue, pshhhhhh.
You know what also makes me blue? Not being able to watch sports on anything but a TV connected to a fucking cable package. Fuck you, TV and telecomm industry! You can suck my dick, you stupid motherfuckers. Put that shit on my phone and tablet and computer for free, with whatever ads you want, I don’t care, but there should be zero difference between a TV in a living room or pizza parlor, and whatever device I paid several hundred dollars for. Air your games on the thing I’m staring at most of the day so I don’t have to notice my co-workers or family or the creeps on my train to work. Nielsen ratings, advertising industrial complex, ESPN, they are all dragging us all down. Shut it down, all of it. Cable, you’re dead, and you don’t even know it. Go to where the people are, the future! You idiots.
3. Black aka the Darksaber from the extended universe
“There is only one “Darksaber,” as it’s known, and it’s an ancient weapon stolen from the Jedi hundreds of years prior to the Clone Wars by the Mandalorians. Making it even more unique than its color, the Darksaber had a flat, curved blade that made its shape resemble a real sword. It eventually came into the possession of Darth Maul during the Clone Wars, but its current whereabouts are unknown.”
This thing is fucking cool and the backstory is awesome, but it can only be done once and not overused or else it loses the coolness. Black is the new black, sorry orange.
You know what I’m not done yet, with these fucking scumbag internet companies, please fuck off. Please go jump off a cliff, whoever runs Time Warner and Verizon and whoever else completely owns our internet service. They don’t ‘provide it’, they hold it hostage, and then sell our browsing history to advertisers and the highest bidder. Asshole monopolies that think they can do whatever the hell they want because we have no other options, which we don’t, and it’s not like this sham of a mess of a mockery of a travesty of a tragedy of a country is going to spend anything on infrastructure any time soon. The speed, the service, the lack of upgrade and options, it’s pathetic and insulting. Internet should be a human right at this point, and South Korea and Europe put us to shame. TO SHAME. The U.S. shouldn’t be a third world country but it’s starting to feel that way, what with the gun deaths from white nationalists and mentally ill who get their hands on guns, and the opioid deaths that go untreated, and the rampant racist and sexist and classism, and the over populated jails to keep the private prison system flush with cash, and the crumbling roads and bridges, AND DOES DETROIT HAVE CLEAN WATER YET? Don’t even get me started on net neutrality! I get charged for going over my data limit while Microsoft forces me to fucking download everything on my Xbox because we live in a digital world, are you kidding me? Colluding, spineless dirtbags, they can eat shit and die.
2. Underrated Return of the Jedi Green
“A secondary Jedi blade color of equal significance to blue. Used by Luke Skywalker, Qui-Gon Jinn, and Yoda.”
I’ve always been partial to the green saber, just because of the variety it offers. After the first two films, Luke rocked the green saber when he became the ultimate badass, and I’ve always associated green with being a full Jedi master, whereas blue is more of the trainer color. Yoda also cannot use any other color, and that means green is automatically better.
You know what ticks me off? People in the media, who I dearly love and respect, who keep suggesting and predicting that tech devices and consoles should just be called “Xbox” or “Playstation” or “iPhone” and nothing else. Stop it. We get it. It’s dumb and lazy. That shit is confusing and does not work, and is short sighted. Do not put those ideas into people’s heads because you think the Scorpio or PS5 or whatever needs to do that. It doesn’t. Have any of you ever A) bought a fucking iPad and needed help figuring out which one you bought or B) taken a fucking marketing course, come on now, give consumers some more credit for crying out loud. They aren’t ALL stupid mindless zombies. Half the problem with technology now are the ridiculous names companies and start-ups keep coming up with. Oath? Flixr? Beam? Mixer? Saying it is moronic and I hate all of you.
1. The best, Red, obviously
“Evil Force users wield red-bladed weapons because of the synthetic Kyber crystals at their core. Used by Darth Vader, Darth Maul, Darth Sidious, Count Dooku, Inquisitors, and Kylo Ren.”
Of fucking course this is number one, who are we kidding. Other than the fact that it looks the coolest, has the best characters using it, it also has a great reason behind the color. Synthetic Kyber crystals makes so much sense when you consider who the Sith really are, a bunch of degenerates who wish they were good and wise and Jedi quality people. They aren’t, so they banded together because they couldn’t be in the club, made their own shit DIY style, and sought revenge. Kylo Ren’s saber is the best example of storytelling through using a particular weapon, in the same way other character traits can be picked up from the type of weapon they use (Dirty Harry, Captain America, etc.).
…why are there 2 games named Doom, Battlefront and Battlefront 2? There cannot be two Devil May Cries and God of Wars and Twisted Metals. Stop giving reboot movies and games the same fucking title. Be a little more original and creative. “Oh you playing Doom?” “Which one, the old one or the new one?” “What about Smash Bros.?” “Brawl or Melee?” “No, 4.” “Wait, it wasn’t called that, which one is 4?” I’m going to blow my brains out, the SEO alone is enough to scramble them anyways.
I foresee…a lot of correct predictions…if you click on this…
We are so close to E3 I can taste it. And it tastes…good. Real good. The yummy, scrumptious, delicious E3 rumors are so addicting, I just had to make this video before we find out all of E3’s secrets the weekend before in hilarious leaks. So check the date of this one, because if I’m right, I don’t want anyone claiming I had inside intel, or stole info after the fact, or any of that shit. Not having it guys. None of it.
Not this kind of battle, but whatever, you do you Ubisoft
Battle stations! E3 is coming, so prepare for war! Exclamation points galore! Here I lay out what each company doing a press conference should do, or else be scorned by history and gamers on the internet.
I know you love me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I hear you calling me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you, to you I’m so in love with you I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I need you to feel me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you…
I know you love me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I hear you calling me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you, oh to you Yes to you
This is a Queens bound F local train, transfer to the U skip stop train. The next stop is: your sister’s ass, hold for the closing doors.
A live look at Manhattan traffic
This was inevitable: I’ve been complaining about small, nit-picky details about New York for my entire life, and now I finally figured out the best way to channel that minor annoyance: into a tier list about my least favorite part of city living: paying to go places.
Any form of public transportation or paid vehicle or way of commuting through the city counts here, including some joke examples, and if you got a problem with that then you can take a walk. This is a comedy piece, not a guide for gallivanting around. If you want to museum hop and travel to famous pizzerias and bakeries, this is not the article for you. Here is the criteria for this list: anything I goddamn well please, that’s what.
The greatest city in the western hemisphere, the Big Apple, only has room for one troll, and his name is James Dolan. Eat shit and die, asshole; I hope you jump off a bridge to save the Knicks from basketball irrelevance, but that’s for another day. Onto the tier list!
S TIER:
W train — Here is how I know this is the best train. First, it goes to Queens, the best borough, and through Astoria, one of the nicest parts of said best borough. I keep trying to move there but the rent is too damn high, and for good reason; they price people like me out intentionally. Second, it’s mad cool that this thing went away and came back, like a phoenix, a myth that comes back to take part of the Q tracks. Third, I have heard no problems about this train. Fourth, it has a cool name. Very hip to use the new W line. Only real New Yorkers know about that shit.
Q train — The obvious runner-up is the other subway that takes that line through Long Island City (not colloquially considered part of Long Island but it technically is) all the way to Coney Island, the most magical place on earth, about 60 years ago. This train is fast, reliable, on time, hits a lot of crucial stops, and is also super cool. The Q line. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.
7 train — Can you tell there is a common theme here with these picks? I love Queens, I wish I was still there and not in godforsaken Brooklyn, which is a fucking dump that is not being helped by gentrification, despite my best efforts. The 7 goes from the brand new stop at Hudson Yards, which I’ve been to for New York Comic Con, it’s very convenient and very clean, all the way through most of Queens to Flushing, and yes you can see the Mets by taking that to Citi Field! The 7 is godlike, it’s got a lot of diverse stops, and I have yet to experience any real major problems so far.
Ferry — How cool is being on a boat? Mad cool. Hella cool. Monster cool. Boat rides are great, we should all take more of them. Everyone gets to sit and chill, or stand outside and feel the breeze, or do the whole Titanic ‘king of the world’ thing. I like taking the ferry whenever I can, as long as you don’t go to New Jersey, then it’s fine.The East River Ferry, I just found out, is now part of greater NYC Ferry service. Ferry frequency has been increased, ferries are now temperature controlled and have snacks for sale, Wi-Fi on board coming soon, and there is a convenient app to book passes, check schedules and more. Why don’t more people do this?
Helicopter — If you got the money, I mean why the fuck not, right? This isn’t exactly public transportation, but we all know those tours are bullshit tourist traps. And we all want to do it once in our lives, land on a building rooftop, skip Times Square entirely.
S train — No one has ever taken the S train. I assume it exists, but since there are no horror stories since no one takes this train, I’m sure it’s great. Good for you S train! You don’t have a lot of stops to be shitty to people. Good job.
Jaywalking — Everyone does it. It’s the only way to walk down the block, or across the street to a bodega. Fuck traffic, fuck cars, if you gotta problem then hit me, and then call my attorney you prick. Cops gotta problem? Arrest me, pigs. I don’t give a fuck, don’t care what the light says, I’m going anyways, I got somewhere to be, assholes. Honk all you like, I’m walkin’ here!
N train — This is like a slightly worse Q train, but is still very top tier for the same reasons. Love the N, easy fit for the A tier, I don’t really have to go on more about it.
2 train— This train has a special place in my heart, because it’s the one I took to sleep with a girl a few times, and it rocked. I say this because she was an absolute knockout and we had a great time. More than one, actually. She lived in the lower east side, outrageously gorgeous room. Must have cost her a small fortune, because it was in a really nice area surrounded by rich people and fancy restaurants. It helped that she was a total bombshell; they don’t give out apartments like that to ugly people.
It’s hard to pull off short hair, but boy oh boy did she nail it, smoking hot brunette. We had some wild times, let me tell you. We did everything, and then some. She moved to the U.K. for school a few months after we’d met, and it was the best kind of casual hook-up, nothing serious from the start. I think we both knew it initially, and that was fine with both of us. We just got to cherish the moments together, and didn’t want to ruin it, tarnish the memories with the petty nonsense a relationship has attached to it. I’ll never forget how her perfume smelled, for as long as I’ll live, it was intoxicating.
The train worked, I guess, that’s all I remember about those couple of times. Got me to her apartment alright. So, A tier, sure, why not. It’s better than the 3, which is the one I take currently to and from work, way more of them, they seem to go fast enough.
Using an app to have someone pick you up — It may be immoral, and pricey, but if you’re drunk or lost and have the cash, you might as well hit that Lyft app. It’s convenient, more so than flagging down a taxi, and you don’t have to wait in a line at Madison Square Garden like a sham. What schmucks!
5 train — The 5 train is a life saver for a few reasons. It’s express, it’s fast, it hits the perfect mix of boroughs and major stops, it’s less crowded than the 4 or 6, AND sometimes it runs as a pseudo 2/3/4. Which is terrific, because I can take that home from work, which is a very personal and biased thing to say but this is my list and I don’t give a fuck. What am I supposed to do, be objective about this? How the fuck can I do that? I’ve taken every single one of these fucking things on this list, so this is from my shitty experience and I’m sticking to it, so either agree or fuck off.
JFK air train — I found out there is an amazing monorail that goes from Jamaica straight to the terminals at JFK, and is a godsend. It’ll cost you a few bucks, but holy hell did my life improve when I found out about that. I don’t like to travel, and I mean sure I could hit an app on my phone to get the job done, but if you can get to Jamaica from the J or Z or E, then just do that then. And do not take the LaGuardia Link, because no one should ever use that airport. It’s falling apart, don’t even bother.
D train — The first orange line to make an appearance, good for you D train! When doing research about the history of the D, turns out it used to be on the yellow line but got changed for some reason. In any case, the cultural influence of this one is hard to deny, appearing in a Bob Dylan song, Beastie Boys song, Letterman top tens, Seinfeld episode, and in The Warriors. I haven’t had any real troubles on the D (so far) so it makes its way to the A tier, and you can take this thing all the way to the Bronx, further than the B, which is nice.
B TIER:
G train — I’ve taken the G once while apartment hunting. It’s the single rare train that goes vertical through Brooklyn and Queens, and really there should be more of that, honestly. No one wants to have to loop west and then up through Manhattan and then back east to Queens.
4 train — This is the more sporadic, crowded version of the 5, and while I do use it a lot, it can get packed, like ‘Japanese people with gloves shoving humans into the train’ levels of stupid packed.
3 train — Speaking of which, the 3 is the train I currently use. It’s pretty great, all things considering. Nobody takes it, it’s on time, never really breaks down, and as with all the numbered trains, you can see when the next one is coming. Unlike those stupid fucking lettered trains, idiots. But this one is spotty at best, a few times it pisses me off, because the 2 runs faster and there are more of them for some reason. I don’t know why, but whatever.
E train— Out of all the blue trains, this one goes the furthest, and reaches all the way out to Jamaica for people transferring to the LIRR or Air Train to JFK. It also goes through Queens, unlike the A in Brooklyn, so I’m inclined to pick this over the A and C. Nothing against them, but I’ve been on the A and it’s sometimes pretty…scary. Scary is the word I’ll use, sure.
M train— Are you seeing a trend here? Queens baby, represent for life. This one runs on the J/Z line, and is the best train on that track, and also runs through Queens so it’s all good with me. There are a couple of other orange line trains I hate, and the M is not one of them, so good job for not sucking M.
Taxis — You can make fun all you want, and say how the taxi industry is dying or dead. Fine, but not in New York. Still alive and well, as far as I can see. Hailing a cabbie is one of the quintessential acts a New Yorker can do, it’s something you have to experience once in your life. They’re just so god damn iconic, they got TVs in them now, they help when I’m running late to things, and I don’t care about the price, this shit is convenient. My dad only takes taxis around, doesn’t deal with the subway bullshit, and he doesn’t care about paying extra for the convenience. AND, I might add, taxis don’t go through your phone and invade your privacy like Uber! I will defend taxis as much as I can, and tourists give the city a ton of money by using them everywhere. Thanks, losers! Now get the fuck out of the way on the sidewalk, please, just fucking move or speed up. Get in your fucking taxi and go, get out of here.
C TIER:
Skateboarding — Not sure NYC is a great city for skateboarding, or really the east coast in general. Very much a west coast, California thing. And it peaked in the ’90s, and has never recovered, much like the Tony Hawk series. It’s just not cool anymore, and people don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Accidents, bumping into pedestrians, long boards, I’m just over it. The whole thing, totally not into it. This isn’t college, sorry NYU students, this is where people live and walk, so go in the street and get hit by a truck for all I care.
6 train — I took the 6 a lot in the last few years, and take it to get to my relatives often. It’s the local green train on that track, and has a ton of stops, and goes slow. I even got stuck underground on it once, 10 feet from the platform, going home from work one day. An old woman died, had to be carted off the train by the cops. As much as I want to love the 6, I have to knock it. It pains me to do that.
A train
B train
1 train — These three trains I’ve taken the least, collectively, so they’re a blind spot for me. They seem average, totally acceptable and mediocre trains. Plenty of people use them, I’m sure they’re fine. Trust me, there are a lot of other way worse options, so don’t @ me with your pathetic stories to counter these rankings. I don’t give a shit.
R train — Why the fuck is every car on this thing old? Like, made in the ’70s old? It’s so bizarre, it’s like the only train where you can sit facing front or back, instead of on the sides like a normal train. Anyways, the R skips too many stops, and I don’t love its track. It’s a serviceable alternative, but god help you if you use it daily. Could you be any slower, R train? Let’s fucking go! The Q makes you look awful by comparison.
Chinese guy with the hand cart near the world’s largest Macy’s — This is dumb and still hilarious to me, that a guy can just run around with you and two wheels somewhere, while cars whiz by on the street. Don’t give these people money, come on now.
Horse carriage in Central Park — They’re getting rid of horses, and I’ve always wanted to try, but it’s cheesy Hollywood bullshit that looks tacky and ridiculous. Don’t do this either.
D TIER:
Walking — In order to live and work in New York City, anywhere, you have to walk a lot. A lot. And that sucks, because it hurts to exercise your legs that much. Too much walking, I don’t have the energy for this shit anymore. A few blocks, sure, but I have to walk a mile to and from work everyday, and my ankles and calves are KILLING me. Fuck walking. Total bullshit. Fucking tourists in the way, pigeons shit on your head, snow and garbage on the sidewalks, traffic doesn’t give a fuck about you, walking sucks.
F train — I hate this train, because it covers the worst geography out of any train. Who the fuck designed the track on a map for this fucking thing? It avoids all the places you need to go, and OF COURSE there is one near my office and OF COURSE nothing is near the F, so I can’t transfer. No, I’m not going to Manhattan to get on another train, fuck you F train, you’re a dumb piece of shit.
Double Decker Bus Tour — Hey, morons. Yeah you, fat mid-westerners, who paid someone to drive you and your fat kids around Manhattan on a Groupon deal you found one day, don’t fucking take bus tours! It’s real simple, you could simply stay in your state that votes for republicans every year, or take a healthy shit anywhere else.
L train — This would have been way higher if not for two things: way too many Brooklyn hipsters and gentrifying assholes take this train, and also, IT’S FUCKING SHUTTING DOWN IN 2019 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE SORRY you’re dead to me L, I hope you never come back so all the real estate drops in price and makes it easier to live in Brooklyn. Fuck anybody who lives near the L, you’re totally fucked now. Good luck getting to your job you chose your apartment and based your life around, that decision turned out well, didn’t it?
Z train — This train is a myth. It doesn’t run, and any train that you think says Z actually says J. It’s a typo, a mistake, a train that skips stops on one of the worst lines in public transportation history, but in fact does not exist and if it did, I’ve been taking a ghost train that makes me walk further or wait for the J, which ha ha yeah no that’s not happening. Fuck the Z, if and when it shows up.
Metro North — Nobody wants to go north of Yonkers, and if you do (to visit relatives) you have made a mistake, and should turn back now. If you still have to go, then get ready to pay an absorbent amount of money to go on a snail that breaks down, while traveling through the middle of nowhere to end up in hell. How Don Draper took that trip every day for work is probably why he drank, smoked, and fucked everything that moved.
Long Island Rail Road — As a Long Islander from birth, this is a real love/hate relationship. It’s been useful for my entire life, but also is the only real option to go to Islanders games, go into the city, and yet I can’t help but imagine what any of us did to deserve such a trash experience. I’ve had the LIRR go down in flames on me multiple times, been stranded in the middle of fucking Long Island, and also got kidnapped by a bus service the city of New York had to call in because the LIRR got snowed in. The LIRR has destroyed bridges, roads, been the way out for people committing suicide, and yet the LIRR still persists, hitting pedestrians left and right. It’s not quite F tier, because it is an option for ending your life and escaping the misery that is living in a Trump administration, so either you go on a nightmare of a train OR you leave our collective nightmare by jumping in front of one. By the way, my parents met on the LIRR, so that’s…something, I guess. Thanks LIRR? You get some nice views, get to go to the bathroom, some nice seats, but otherwise…yeah, no. No defense from me on this one.
F TIER:
Those fake black taxis that seem like Uber, but they’re not, and they act like real taxis, but rip you off — They are a scam. Tourists, don’t fall for that shit.
Citibike — The amount of fucking bikers has risen dramatically ever since these things showed up, and if you’re willing to NOT buy your own bike, and rent one, on a contraption that clogs up the streets and sidewalks, fuck you. Honestly, fuck you. Go use your bike lane and try not to get hit, but fuck Citibike, and anyone who uses it that I have to avoid.
Staten Island Railway — No one should ever go to Staten Island. That’s my goal in life, to never go and be a part of that “Burrough”. I don’t care that Wu Tang came from Shaolin, they clearly left and never came back, and for good reason. It’s like New York’s miniature New Jersey. Shame on you if you intentionally stay there.
The bus, any bus — Grey Hound, Mega Bus, any NYC city bus, doesn’t matter, all buses are gross and you’ve fucked up if you take one. Your in bad shape if you have to rely on a bus. If you’re poor, sure, I get it, they’re an option many are forced to use, but that doesn’t mean they’re any good. And if you DO NOT have to use them, then don’t. Just don’t. Too many people, fucking stopping everywhere, it’s a mess. I just feel bad for bus riders, I really do. I don’t want anyone to have to take the bus, it’s just the worst. We honor Rosa Parks by naming every bus station after her, and for good reason, but we should find a better symbol to name after her, and not the fucking bus station. She was more than that, don’t remember her for a horrible mode of transportation. Name a library after her, or a street, or something else! Anything else! Put her on the $20, fuck Andrew Jackson.
J train — This was my nickname for years because I complained about it so much. I had to take this fucking thing when I worked at AOL, and it was the bane of my existence. The J never comes on time, is super slow, is always delayed, has fucking train traffic (how does that work? There’s only one way to go, just fucking go!), and breaks down more than me on a Friday night out. Just terrible, the single worst subway in the city. Sure, you get a great view, and you’re above ground for most of it so you can use your phone. Except you’ll get your phone stolen before you get to Marcy Avenue, and there’s so many fucking people who take this thing you’ll never get a seat. So you have to stand for an hour plus, every day, back and forth, and it’s the most physically taxing thing imaginable. I’d consider quitting any job on the spot if I had to live near a J train stop, real talk. It’s emotionally draining. People TALK to you on this train. There are always street performers, beggars, smelly homeless, musicians, break dancers, comedians, panhandlers, salesmen, and religious hecklers on the J. It’s a traveling circus, with more track fires. It pains me to think humans have to rely on that fucking monstrosity, it’s what Satan must use to get around hell.
AMTRAK / New Jersey Transit /PATH train — God help your soul if you have to travel to New Jersey. Shame upon you if you chose to lower your costs and live in NJ to commute to NYC. New Jersey is the worst, and if the train derailments don’t kill you, the stampedes at Penn Station might. You’re better off never going back to New Jersey, and you should just become homeless trapped in Central Park. It’s better for you if you just do that, be like the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2. Don’t ever go to New Jersey. Ever. Or take those death traps that look like metal tubes to it.
Swimming — Do not swim in the Hudson or East River. Or the bay. Or anywhere, really. Go to a pool for that, not to get places. Dummy.
This is not about the video game ‘Evolve’, don’t worry.
The newest update to Afterbirth came to Switch, and not PS4 or Xbox One. WTF
Whenever I make YouTube videos, I sometimes steal movie clips when I’m editing. This is a problem because whenever I upload videos with these clips in them, it gets flagged by the studio who owns the rights. So in an attempt to circumvent this, I found a trick that lets me get away with it clean, and the following ramble is the result of using Jurassic Park, successfully, without permission. Sorry Universal.
The best thing you’ll read on the internet all day, when Sick, Sad World returns.
Why are there not more images of this fictional show? This was the biggest one on Google images. Failing Google. Sad!
I love ’90s era MTV. It was basically the only thing I watched as a kid, and I love everything juvenile about that time; Tom Green, TRL with Carson Daly, Eminem music videos, Andy Milonakis, Celebrity Deathmatch, Jackass, and of course Beavis and Butthead. When the spin-off came out, Daria, it quickly became one of my all-time favorite shows, and is criminally underrated. It’s a perfect mix of nostalgia, dark humor, pathos, and ’90s attitude. Sure, it dipped into the 2000s, but mostly the pre-9/11 section of that decade where everything was still not shitty. Just imagine how much better off we’d be if that hadn’t started the snowball of life ruining world events that led to the current nightmare we all live in. Sad.
The funniest thing about the show is not Jane’s witty sarcasm, or Daria’s sardonic sense of humor, or Mr. Morgendorffer’s obliviousness and naivety. It’s the Sick, Sad World promos and teasers, and I’ve decided to round them all up and rank them. Ranking jokes is funny, right? There is no real criteria here, just whatever makes me laugh the most. Let’s jump in!
64. “Death or velvety green? Homicidal houseplants next, on Sick, Sad World.”
63. SSW Guest: “The aliens aren’t coming. They’re already here. They could be your friends, your family. They act almost normal, but something’s off.”
62. “Could a steady diet of pet food bring out the animal in you? Got a dog-dish full of love, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
61. SSW Reporter: “An encyclopedia is an unusual product for a super-model to promote, isn’t it?” SSW Guest: ( French accent ) “But you see…what’s different about my encyclopedia is you only buy the letters you find attractive. And it’s got big margins to draw your own pictures. You call them ‘margins’, yes?” SSW Reporter: “And you say you wrote every word yourself?”
60. “…From outer space, to in our face! Aliens walk among us, a Sick, Sad World exclusive.”
59. “Tonight on Sick, Sad World; prime-time special, with people just like you, only more pathetic.”
58. “The nightmare story of an enchanted kiss gone horribly wrong, when Sick, Sad World returns.”
57. “When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar. Tanked in a Tutu, when Sick, Sad World returns.”
56. “What does your foot odor say about your sexual prowess? Sniffing For Love on the next Sick, Sad World.”
55. “Next on Sick, Sad World. The Malibu Primate Diet.”
54. “Breast implants for chickens…”
53. “Neonatal Skinheads, next on Sick, Sad World.”
52. “What deadly new diseases can you pick up… by sitting down? Toilet Seat Terror, next on Sick, Sad World.”
51. “Meet the killer whale… with a license to practice law!? Orca in the Court, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
50. “Can renegade surgeons transplant your brain while you sleep? The frightening truth, next on Sick, Sad World.”
49. “Next on Sick, Sad World. Hoax, or vision? Some people in Florida have claimed they’ve seen the face of Jesus… on a penny!”
48. “Meet the cannibal with heart; quick, before he eats it! Next, on Sick, Sad World.”
47. “Are bats sneaking into your neighborhood disguised as cute flying squirrels? Rabid Rodent Rip-off, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
46. “Is there really a secret underwater train smuggling flounder to freedom? Tonight, on Sick, Sad World.”
45. “Monaco’s Mopiest Millionaires, today on Sick, Sad World.”
44. “Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok hospital? Babes in Thailand, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
43. “Everyone hates a message board miscreant. But now you can do something about it! Flame Wars: The Next Generation, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
42. “Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff! Canine Callgirls next, on Sick, Sad World.”
41. “All he wanted, just this once, was to eat at the table. But she had a hankerin’ to howl! Shih Tzu? I hardly know you! Next, on Sick, Sad World.”
40. “When aliens eat out, where do they relieve themselves? Extraterrestrial restaurant restrooms, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
39. “Is your toll collector wearing pants, a skirt, or nothing but a smile? Cold Breeze on the Interstate, next on Sick, Sad World.”
38. “Is your cutlery holding an edge… or going over one? Diary of a Mad Steak-Knife, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
37. “Can monkeys surf the net… and corrupt our kids? Chimpanze chatrooms, next on Sick, Sad World.”
36. “Guano see some gutsy climbing? Scaling the world’s tallest pile of seagull droppings, next on Sick, Sad World.”
35. “It’s 911 in the morning and 1–900 in the evening, the phone-sex EMS dispatcher, when Sick, Sad World returns.”
34. “What’s more heartless than pilfering a roll of toilet paper? Transforming it into a roll of 20s! The squeezably-soft counterfeiter, next on Sick, Sad World.”
33. “How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang, and wreaking havoc with police line ups. Delinquent Quintuplets, next on Sick, Sad World.”
32. “When he turned up his nose at accordion lessons, they cut off his inheritance molto allegro. The Severed Pianist, next on Sick, Sad World.”
31. “The king of the jungle was one tubby tabby… until the animal plastic surgeon came to call. Lipo for Leo, next on Sick, Sad World.”
30. “It’ll legal, and tender, but someone’s getting short changed. Little cross-dressers and the women who love them, coming up next on Sick, Sad World.”
29. “What’s that you’re really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal secretions that make us say yum, tonight, on Sick, Sad World.”
28. “He gave her his kidney, she gave him her heart. Transplants and romance, when Sick, Sad World continues.”
27. “Meet the avant-garde obstetrician that’s turned his cast offs into art work. Umbilical cord sculpture next, on Sick, Sad World.”
26. “Her amputee boyfriend was cheating, so she stole his prosthesis, but he kept on hopping into strange beds. The One-Legged Lothario, next on Sick, Sad World.”
25. “Are fish using our oceans as their own private toilet? A Sick, Sad World exclusive, right after this.”
24. “Can too many carrots make your head grow leaves? Ah, What’s That Doc in one hour, on Sick, Sad World.”
23. “What do those Supreme Court judges wear under their robes? Declassified government Polaroids next, on Sick, Sad World.”
22. “Fish gotta swim, and bird’s gotta fly, but not when you bake ’em both in a pie! Sunday Brunch in the Loony Bin next, on Sick, Sad World.”
21. SSW Reporter: “Now, you claim that not only did you see a Yeti, but he was wearing a business suit and carrying an attache case.” SSW Guest: “A leather attache case.”
20. SSW Reporter: “You mean you want him back? Even though he tied you to a chair and left it on an eight-lane highway in the middle of rush hour?” SSW Guest: “He got carried away by the moment.”
19. “Terror travels… by trike! Underage Road Rage, next on Sick, Sad World.”
18. “Meet the fly-fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait. A Liver Runs Through it, next on Sick, Sad World.”
17. “In this canine go-go bar the specialty of the house is hot dog! Lapdancing Lapdogs, next on Sick, Sad World.”
16. “They bake cookies by day, but they really heat up at night. G-string grandmas, today on Sick, Sad World.”
15. “Could a family of ghosts be living in your house, rent free? Freeloading Familial Phantoms, next on Sick, Sad World.”
14. “Thomas Jefferson, philosopher, inventor, President, and keeper of one saucy journal. The Declaration of In My Pants, tonight, on Sick, Sad World.”
13. “Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child’s medicine cabinet? Rats on Ritalin, next on Sick, Sad World.”
12. “It’s quite a web site when Civil War buffs get in the buff. www.gettysbare, next on Sick, Sad World.”
11. “They gave her a good-bye party at 65… miles per second! Retirement by Rocket, next on Sick, Sad World.”
10. SSW Reporter: “This is just astounding! Here you are, blind, deaf and barely able to walk. Yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with three members of the royal family. The question on all of America’s mind is; how did you do it?” SSW Guest: “What?”
9. SSW Reporter: “The world’s largest nativity scene… in August? Atlanta mall manager, Gifford Jones.” SSW Guest: “Nativities mean Christmas, and Christmas means revenue. Don’t have to be a wiseman to figure that out.” SSW Reporter: “The savior went down to Georgia, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
8. “Would you moan my name… if I boinked you in heaven? Ghost Hookers in the Sky, tonight on Sick, Sad World.”
7. “Criminals beware. This detective won’t talk… but you will! Mime and Punishment, next on Sick, Sad World.”
6. “One three ton hubby’s not enough for this red-hot mammal. The Polygamous Hippopotamus, when Sick, Sad World returns.”
5. “A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar? Talk about my sweet lord! The Immaculate Confection, next on Sick, Sad World.”
4. “Brought back from the grave by black magic, but no one taught them to cross at the green. The Jaywalking Dead, next on Sick, Sad World.”
3. “Are microbes having sex in your drinking water? H, two, Aaaa-ooo! Next, on Sick, Sad World.”
2. “Can anger management training really help gorillas avoid extinction? Maybe, but it’s not doing much for the psychiatrists! The Apes of Wrath, today on Sick, Sad World.”
1. “What kind of a sicko voyeur would set up a hidden camera in an Intensive Care Unit? The Peekaboo ICU, next on Sick, Sad World.”
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