Loop-de-loop and pull, and your shoes are looking cool!
Is it spelled gameplay, game play, or game-play?
So I originally planned on making a video about Nioh. Then I beat that game and started Horizon, and then planned on adding another 5 minutes or so. But then I rambled while recording and editing, and it ballooned from 10 to almost 20 minutes and now you have to watch this thing, it’s super long. So enjoy, I go off on a rant about Halo, that was not planned either. I have to write scripts for these, but I can’t find the time.
Not to be confused with Hearthstone, that’s a different thing
Only you can prevent forest fires
I don’t think we give enough credit to CD Projekt for being excellent writers, and so I’m here to do just that. I can’t stop thinking about my 200 hour expedition into The Witcher 3, and although I’m done with it, it left an indelible mark on me, especially with Iris, a woman who thought she was marrying the perfect husband and ended up being a casualty of a deal with the devil gone wrong. Hearts of Stone tackles love, misery, loss, marriage, and consequence, and ends up having some wonderful moments where theme is all over every mission and action. Painting a world that reflects what you feel is one thing, but being trapped inside someone’s art is another, and I simply love the writing here to death. This shit gets me every time:
“I’ll remember you”, says Iris.
“It matters not”, says Olgierd.
Everything she says is poetry, every fucking line; she earns every moment and is one of the most tragic characters in games that I can ever remember. So enough babbling, watch the video.
I will try my best to not give the entire show an F.
I refuse to call this game Anthem because that’s my health insurance. This will forever be known as Bioware’s Destiny
I’m on vacation right now, I don’t feel like doing an introduction. You know exactly what kind of article this is, the title says it all. I’m sure you’ve read a million of these already, maybe even written your own, and we’ve all come to a conclusion on the best and worst of E3. The middle might be different based on several factors but honestly who cares. There is no criteria, just read whatever I wrote and go on with your day. Thank you.
PC Gaming Show gets an F
Stop doing press conferences.
EA gets a D-
Stop doing press conferences. You clearly don’t want to do them, you feel obligated to, so just don’t. Nobody is forcing you to. Stream your big fall shooter elsewhere, or don’t bother otherwise. Really, this isn’t an eSports tournament, this is E3. We don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about when you shout-cast a game nobody has played yet. You ruined the Anthem reveal at Microsoft (it looks cool), and outside of A Way Out (also looks cool) you had a waste of a show and should just stop wasting money entirely. Do an EA direct and don’t bring out Andrew Wilson out on stage in a shiny suit any longer. Where the fuck was Amy Henning’s game? Burnout? Skate 4? You’re trash EA.
Bethesda gets a C+
Stop doing press conferences. If you don’t have anything gigantic to announce, i.e. a Fallout or Elder Scrolls, then stay home. Don’t make an audience, both online and in person, sit and watch that 40 minute trailer. It was useless. These were all press releases, and the two “genuine” surprises were not surprising at all because they leaked ahead of time. Like Dishonored 2. You clearly felt the need to keep doing these things, and didn’t have the line-up to do so. Sound familiar? This trend is harrowing, because either these companies are going through the motions at this point, honestly don’t have enough to show, or are intentionally hiding stuff back to make the whole year feel “special”. Go to hell Bethesda. And while you’re at it, fix your review policy because it backfired on Prey whereas it got lucky with Doom. Let Todd Howard break free from his rusty cage, damnit.
Microsoft gets a B-, deserves worse
You stupid idiots. You stupid fucking idiots. You had the perfect opportunity and you blew it. Did you watch that Sony show? It was basically a repeat of last year! They didn’t show anything new! You had the CHANCE to get back in the game, and you blew it. Now Sony is going to flex its muscles all year, cutting the price on their consoles, showing off the awesome games they decided to hold off on at E3 as they dominate Gamescom and Playstation Experience and you’ll have what. What? I’m so ticked off, you have no idea. I own both an Xbox One and PS4 and I love the rivalry, and as much as I adore the flubs Jim Ryan of Sony, and the easy home runs Microsoft hit off those softballs, the show wasn’t enough. It was a very good show, very solid, but not what you needed to do. The Xbox One X is fine, the name is fine, the price is fine. Not spectacular. Sea of Thieves looks sick, Forza 7 looks sick, Crackdown 3…we’ll see. They were not firework explosions. Anthem and Shadow of War and AC Origins all seem like safe bets and will be worthy of buying if you’re into those things. Not a single one is an exclusive. Cuphead got a release date, thank goodness, Ori 2 is real thank goodness, and PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (which I correctly predicted) is coming as well thank GOODNESS. They will show up on other consoles eventually. This was the time for a knockout punch when Sony seemed on the ropes, and you just jabbed them and then walked away. Failing Microsoft. Sad!
Sony gets a B, deserves worse
You fucking idiots. Y’all real fucking lucky Microsoft didn’t land the uppercut because you can tell Layden was either not committing the big guns to E3 because he didn’t need to, or The Last of Us Part 2 and Death Stranding and Sucker Punch’s new game are just not ready to show. But while that makes their E3 showing the worst one in years, it doesn’t sink them whatsoever. Buy a PS4 and play Horizon or Nioh and have a great time. God of War, sign me up. Detroit? Sure I guess. Spider-man? It is probably a lot of people’s Game of the Show. Uncharted with Chloe? As Rick James once said: “give it to me, baby”. Shadow of the Colossus with better controls? Fuck yeah. Still not sold on Days Gone, and other than that there wasn’t anything of note. It really was a repeat of last year, which is why I’m so lukewarm on Sony this year. But those few games are very impressive, but there was no mind blowing announcements, which is the fucking point of E3, and Sony knew that because they demonstrated it ever since 2013. They’re the kings of reveals, and just didn’t want to waste their ammo this year, which is lame but understandable.
Ubisoft gets an A-
NOW we get to the good stuff, which there is not enough of this year. Ubisoft knew how to put on a conference, and oddly not having a host really helped. They cut down on the amount of AC Origins because they already showed that at Microsoft (see EA? That’s how you do it). They opened the show with Miyamoto making gifs and memes, and that Kingdom Battle game looks nuts, what a fever dream. That should not be real, someone at Ubisoft came up with that playing Mad Libs. South Park got 2 games, which both look very good, there were no Tom Clancy games or Splinter Cell reboot, but that didn’t really hamper anything. Just Dance was very short this year, and had some really hot singer there so I didn’t take a bathroom break, and they ended the show with Far Cry 5 (I’m hype beyond words) and possibly the moment of the show with Michel Ancel crying at BG&E2. What a fucking reveal, what a trailer, what a moment. Ubisoft, that is how you do E3, lead by example and show these other fuckers how to do it right!
Nintendo gets an A, and the title of best show at E3, somehow
I cannot believe they won. They get a flat A, begrudgingly, but the company with the lowest expectations, and the shortest number of games and time spent showing said games, only brought the best. The absolute best. Stunning how short and sweet and simple it all was. Show a video, no fat, all big shit, the best surprises, and then BAM a trailer for Super Mario Odyssey that goes straight into the Treehouse stream for more gameplay. And let me be clear: the moment of E3 might have been Beyond Good and Evil 2, but THEY HAD TWO METROID GAMES. TWO. One was 3D and one was 2D! Are you kidding me? The one-two punch of present and future with Metroid Prime 4 and Cappy the hat on a taxi and a dinosaur, that was just too much to handle. I do not remember the last time my jaw literally dropped watching a trailer, for a game I have already seen! Incredible, Odyssey is my Game of the Show, the Best of E3, and Nintendo just crushed it. I have to buy a Switch now, god fucking damnit Nintendo I don’t have the time or money for this shit, I hate you. Fuck, that game looks so good though.
The bait and switch on this trailer is astonishing, and needs to win an award.
I foresee…a lot of correct predictions…if you click on this…
We are so close to E3 I can taste it. And it tastes…good. Real good. The yummy, scrumptious, delicious E3 rumors are so addicting, I just had to make this video before we find out all of E3’s secrets the weekend before in hilarious leaks. So check the date of this one, because if I’m right, I don’t want anyone claiming I had inside intel, or stole info after the fact, or any of that shit. Not having it guys. None of it.
I know you love me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I hear you calling me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you, to you I’m so in love with you I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I need you to feel me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you…
I know you love me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I hear you calling me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you, oh to you Yes to you
This is not about the video game ‘Evolve’, don’t worry.
The newest update to Afterbirth came to Switch, and not PS4 or Xbox One. WTF
Whenever I make YouTube videos, I sometimes steal movie clips when I’m editing. This is a problem because whenever I upload videos with these clips in them, it gets flagged by the studio who owns the rights. So in an attempt to circumvent this, I found a trick that lets me get away with it clean, and the following ramble is the result of using Jurassic Park, successfully, without permission. Sorry Universal.
How there isn’t a sequel to this game is beyond my comprehension, and it confuses and sickens me.
Another Valve writer left the company. Another day goes by without Valve creating a new video game using their new engine, which they made to make new games. When will Gordon Freeman see the light of day? When will we get to play with portals again? Do I have to buy a Vive to see Aperture Science once more? Will Gabe ever listen to our pleads and cries and prays? I’m willing to give you my money Gabe, just take it! I don’t want to play DOTA or buy Counter-Strike knife skins, just do something! Anything! You can leave Steam alone for now, I’ll learn to live with it, just don’t leave us hanging, please.
Here is Half-Life 2 being inducted into the Level Design Hall of Fame. I’ve accepted the fact that we will never see Half-Life 3, and Valve will be radio silent forever about it. Ghosting us just like every woman in my life.
I still have no idea what the title of this game means, by the way
Out of all of the Level Design Hall of Fame videos I have done, or intend to do, I don’t think anything will achieve the brilliance that this game is able to pull off. The Witness is a game that is capable of blowing your mind through nothing but pure gameplay, at its most basic and conceptual level. No text, no story, no guide, no map, quest arrow, items, enemies, AI, nothing. Nothing but puzzles and intricate level design, art design, sound design, and magic fairy pixie dust sprinkled on top for good measure. It’s incredibly rare to find something like this, so let’s marvel at this masterpiece.
And it’s HARD to hold a candle, in the cold November RAIN
Or I’ll just end up walkin’ In the cold November rain
I have an oldie but goodie for this week’s Level Design Hall of Fame. This is a redone video on Left 4 Dead 2’s Hard Rain, and I’ll be double or triple dipping in older Valve games because they’re honestly some of the best ever made. Why can’t we get another one of these, honestly? Makes me so mad, that they just keep silent and do nothing but tinker with (and screw up) Steam. Fucking Gabe.
In honor of the Scorpio reveal, whenever that happens
Cannot imagine a worse name than the Xbox Two
We got a lame reveal of the specs for Scorpio, and no name, price, look, or any other actually important details. Which begs the question: is Scorpio the greatest code name in video game console history? Well, it’s time to do the internet’s favorite thing (no, not harassment), ranking things in lists!
My criteria: how cool the codename is to say out loud, how good the console ended up being, and if the code name was BETTER than the real name. And I threw in some stuff that’s not a console, like hardware peripherals and other important stuff that counts because the code name was rad, so deal with it losers. So let us get down to bickering about random nonsense that does not matter, aka the blueprint to get to the internet’s heart.
34. Citra — 3DS
33. Durango — Xbox One
32. Coleen — Atari 800
31. Project Natal — Kinect
30. Orbis — PlayStation 4
29. Mark V — Sega Genesis/Mega Drive
28. NGP (Next Generation Portable) — PlayStation Vita
27. Pam — Atari 5200
26. Jupiter — Sega Saturn
25. Arc — PlayStation Move
24. Mercury — Sega Game Gear
23. Nitro — Nintendo DS
22. Project Cafe — Wii U
21. Mars — Sega 32X
20. MARZ (Microsoft Active Reality Zone), VERV (Virtual Entertainment and Reality Venture), TAC (Total Action Center), TS0 (Three Six Zero), CPG (Cyber Playground), DirectX-box — Xbox
19. PS-X — PlayStation
18. Venus — Sega Nomad
17. Neo — PS4 Pro
16. Neptune — 32X/Mega Drive combo unit (unreleased, but still pretty dope for a planet codename)
15. Candy —Atari 400
14. Project Reality, Ultra 64 — Nintendo 64
13. Atlantis — Game Boy Advance
12. NX — Switch
11. Stella — Atari 2600
10. Oxygen — Game Boy Micro
9. White Belt, Katana, Guppy, Black Belt, Shark, Dural — Dreamcast
8. Dolphin — GameCube
7. Virtual Utopia Experience — Virtual Boy
6. Morpheus — PS VR
5. Scorpio — Xbox One X? Or whatever they end up calling it, doesn’t really matter, Scorpio is a great code name by itself
4. Dot Matrix Game — Game Boy
3. Xenon — Xbox 360
2. B52 Rock Lobster — Commodore Amiga 500 (I do not care if this is cheating because this is the best of the PC ones, so deal with it)
Revolution — Wii
BONUS MATCH
Microsoft versus Apple, who has the better code names? Below is a non-comprehensive list of the various operating system and program code names, everything Windows and Mac and Apple and MS. Who has the edge? Let’s run it down:
Janus — Windows 3.1
Snowball — Windows for Workgroups 3.11
Chicago — Windows 95
Nashville — Windows 96
O’Hare — First version of Internet Explorer
Memphis, Detroit — Windows 98
Daytona — Windows NT 3.5
Cairo, Hydra— Windows NT 4.0
Neptune, Odyssey — Windows 2000 Home Edition
Whistler — Windows XP
Canary, Galileo, Gryphon, Hermes, Jupiter, Mira, Macallan, Mercury, Merlin, Orion, Pegasus, Rapier, Stinger, Venus, Wyvern— Windows CE for 2003 smart phones and pocket PCs and WebTV and some other stuff
Millennium — Windows ME
Longhorn — Windows Vista
Lonestar — Windows XP Tablet PC 2005
Aurora — Windows Small Business Server 2011 Essentials
Vienna, Blackcomb — Windows 7
Mango — Windows Phone 7
Blue — Windows 8.1
Apollo — Windows Phone 8
Corona — Windows Media Player 9
Brimstone — Adobe Photoshop 2.5 for Windows
Snowball — Windows for Workgroups 3.11
Threshold — Windows 10
Redstone — Windows 10.1
versus
Kodiak — MacOS
Brooklyn — Apple ][x
Cocoa — Apple Mac OS X API
Moses — Apple Mac OS X Server-based
Blue Box , Darwin— Mac OS layers
Harmony — Mac OS 7.6
Tempo — Mac OS 8.0
Bride of Buster — Mac OS 8.1
Allegro — Mac OS 8.5
Star Trek — Mac OS for x86
Sonata, Gershwin — Mac OS 9
Fortissimo — Mac OS 9.1
Moonlight — Mac OS 9.2
Cheetah — Mac OS X 10.0
Puma — Mac OS X 10.1
Jaguar — Mac OS X 10.2
Panther — Mac OS X 10.3
Tiger — Mac OS X 10.4
Leopard — Mac OS X 10.5
Snow Leopard — Mac OS X 10.6
WINNER: MICROSOFT for being more original and taking risks and not doing fucking cats every year, that shit gets confusing and is lazy.
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