E3 2017 Report Card

The Column of All Cosmos

I will try my best to not give the entire show an F.

I refuse to call this game Anthem because that’s my health insurance. This will forever be known as Bioware’s Destiny

I’m on vacation right now, I don’t feel like doing an introduction. You know exactly what kind of article this is, the title says it all. I’m sure you’ve read a million of these already, maybe even written your own, and we’ve all come to a conclusion on the best and worst of E3. The middle might be different based on several factors but honestly who cares. There is no criteria, just read whatever I wrote and go on with your day. Thank you.

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PC Gaming Show gets an F

Stop doing press conferences.

EA gets a D-

Stop doing press conferences. You clearly don’t want to do them, you feel obligated to, so just don’t. Nobody is forcing you to. Stream your big fall shooter elsewhere, or don’t bother otherwise. Really, this isn’t an eSports tournament, this is E3. We don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about when you shout-cast a game nobody has played yet. You ruined the Anthem reveal at Microsoft (it looks cool), and outside of A Way Out (also looks cool) you had a waste of a show and should just stop wasting money entirely. Do an EA direct and don’t bring out Andrew Wilson out on stage in a shiny suit any longer. Where the fuck was Amy Henning’s game? Burnout? Skate 4? You’re trash EA.

Bethesda gets a C+

Stop doing press conferences. If you don’t have anything gigantic to announce, i.e. a Fallout or Elder Scrolls, then stay home. Don’t make an audience, both online and in person, sit and watch that 40 minute trailer. It was useless. These were all press releases, and the two “genuine” surprises were not surprising at all because they leaked ahead of time. Like Dishonored 2. You clearly felt the need to keep doing these things, and didn’t have the line-up to do so. Sound familiar? This trend is harrowing, because either these companies are going through the motions at this point, honestly don’t have enough to show, or are intentionally hiding stuff back to make the whole year feel “special”. Go to hell Bethesda. And while you’re at it, fix your review policy because it backfired on Prey whereas it got lucky with Doom. Let Todd Howard break free from his rusty cage, damnit.

Microsoft gets a B-, deserves worse

You stupid idiots. You stupid fucking idiots. You had the perfect opportunity and you blew it. Did you watch that Sony show? It was basically a repeat of last year! They didn’t show anything new! You had the CHANCE to get back in the game, and you blew it. Now Sony is going to flex its muscles all year, cutting the price on their consoles, showing off the awesome games they decided to hold off on at E3 as they dominate Gamescom and Playstation Experience and you’ll have what. What? I’m so ticked off, you have no idea. I own both an Xbox One and PS4 and I love the rivalry, and as much as I adore the flubs Jim Ryan of Sony, and the easy home runs Microsoft hit off those softballs, the show wasn’t enough. It was a very good show, very solid, but not what you needed to do. The Xbox One X is fine, the name is fine, the price is fine. Not spectacular. Sea of Thieves looks sick, Forza 7 looks sick, Crackdown 3…we’ll see. They were not firework explosions. Anthem and Shadow of War and AC Origins all seem like safe bets and will be worthy of buying if you’re into those things. Not a single one is an exclusive. Cuphead got a release date, thank goodness, Ori 2 is real thank goodness, and PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (which I correctly predicted) is coming as well thank GOODNESS. They will show up on other consoles eventually. This was the time for a knockout punch when Sony seemed on the ropes, and you just jabbed them and then walked away. Failing Microsoft. Sad!

Sony gets a B, deserves worse

You fucking idiots. Y’all real fucking lucky Microsoft didn’t land the uppercut because you can tell Layden was either not committing the big guns to E3 because he didn’t need to, or The Last of Us Part 2 and Death Stranding and Sucker Punch’s new game are just not ready to show. But while that makes their E3 showing the worst one in years, it doesn’t sink them whatsoever. Buy a PS4 and play Horizon or Nioh and have a great time. God of War, sign me up. Detroit? Sure I guess. Spider-man? It is probably a lot of people’s Game of the Show. Uncharted with Chloe? As Rick James once said: “give it to me, baby”. Shadow of the Colossus with better controls? Fuck yeah. Still not sold on Days Gone, and other than that there wasn’t anything of note. It really was a repeat of last year, which is why I’m so lukewarm on Sony this year. But those few games are very impressive, but there was no mind blowing announcements, which is the fucking point of E3, and Sony knew that because they demonstrated it ever since 2013. They’re the kings of reveals, and just didn’t want to waste their ammo this year, which is lame but understandable.

Ubisoft gets an A-

NOW we get to the good stuff, which there is not enough of this year. Ubisoft knew how to put on a conference, and oddly not having a host really helped. They cut down on the amount of AC Origins because they already showed that at Microsoft (see EA? That’s how you do it). They opened the show with Miyamoto making gifs and memes, and that Kingdom Battle game looks nuts, what a fever dream. That should not be real, someone at Ubisoft came up with that playing Mad Libs. South Park got 2 games, which both look very good, there were no Tom Clancy games or Splinter Cell reboot, but that didn’t really hamper anything. Just Dance was very short this year, and had some really hot singer there so I didn’t take a bathroom break, and they ended the show with Far Cry 5 (I’m hype beyond words) and possibly the moment of the show with Michel Ancel crying at BG&E2. What a fucking reveal, what a trailer, what a moment. Ubisoft, that is how you do E3, lead by example and show these other fuckers how to do it right!

Nintendo gets an A, and the title of best show at E3, somehow

I cannot believe they won. They get a flat A, begrudgingly, but the company with the lowest expectations, and the shortest number of games and time spent showing said games, only brought the best. The absolute best. Stunning how short and sweet and simple it all was. Show a video, no fat, all big shit, the best surprises, and then BAM a trailer for Super Mario Odyssey that goes straight into the Treehouse stream for more gameplay. And let me be clear: the moment of E3 might have been Beyond Good and Evil 2, but THEY HAD TWO METROID GAMES. TWO. One was 3D and one was 2D! Are you kidding me? The one-two punch of present and future with Metroid Prime 4 and Cappy the hat on a taxi and a dinosaur, that was just too much to handle. I do not remember the last time my jaw literally dropped watching a trailer, for a game I have already seen! Incredible, Odyssey is my Game of the Show, the Best of E3, and Nintendo just crushed it. I have to buy a Switch now, god fucking damnit Nintendo I don’t have the time or money for this shit, I hate you. Fuck, that game looks so good though.

The bait and switch on this trailer is astonishing, and needs to win an award.

Nintendo’s Waterloo

The Column of All Cosmos

I got a letter in the mail from Japan, I wonder what it says…

So yeah, out of nowhere I got a letter in the mail from an anonymous member at Nintendo. It’s a pretty high ranking and prolific figure at the company, and I wanted to share it with you all, because I think it’s pretty important we send them some help. Things aren’t looking so hot, but I’ll let the note explain:

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Dearest Jared,

Hearing that there is mail going out this afternoon, I thought I would risk the opportunity and write you a most urgent warning of our circumstance currently. Rumors are spreading like wildfire around the halls here, and morale is quite low. We all refuse to acknowledge it, but deep down we all know it to be true. Soon is to be the era of our demise, no matter how much it pains me to say, and therefore you are the only one I can confide in, a harbinger of truth and prosperity in these harsh waters we navigate through known as the world wide web. We live in deadly times, and I fear this is to be our last stand on the battlefield of technology. These are the most dire of circumstances, so I take my gamble writing to you behind the backs of my superiors.

With the launch of Arms around the corner there is no telling of the drought that is to come, and it will surely rob many at Nintendo their livelihoods as the company scales back, further and further, until it blinks out of existence, a wisp in the winds of history. Mario Kart 8 will begin the starvation, then weeks later Splatoon 2 will undoubtedly begin the conversation of panic. “Is this a real sequel, or an update to the original?” they will all ask, but from there it only gets worse for our plight. Months will pass, day by day the pressure will mount, and the only words on the tips of the blogger’s fingers will be about connectivity issues, the death of our 3rd party support, the original version of Skyrim being full price, screen scratches, and overpriced accessories. Soon, there will be no more good will or Mario trailers to quench the thirst of the diehards.

Do not get me started on our online experience, that is a dead end covered by hearsay and public relations gobbledygook. Our first major loss at the hands of the enemy came when people caught on to how abysmal friend codes are, and soon they will turn on us for the Switch’s online features, communication, reliability, and lack of virtual console support. It is the beginning of the end, I know this to be true as the day is long and the sky is blue.

What will happen to us when we delay Super Mario Odyssey out of 2017? We cannot afford to lose the momentum of our only real victory in years, Breath of the Wild. And once news breaks we have no intention of patching weapon durability, our oldest soldiers might turn to the other side, for good.

We have fought valiantly yet we cannot escape our mortality in an ever changing battlefield, a war that rages on faster than we can adapt to. The campaign plan frightens me, as it has been the same one written in crayon for decades, but the map has since transformed under our feet. We stand on quicksand, unable to claw out of the mud with precious oxygen disappearing. It is getting harder to breathe when you do not know what Retro Studios is working on. Is this not inhuman? Is it a Metroid or not? The silence is deafening, I expect some one cleaned house to rob the jewels and plate of the corpse.

I sometimes awaken from my slumber and clutch my Slippy doll in the face of nightmares. What have I done? What have I become? Where is the next idea for an F-Zero game, or will I have to bury Captain Falcon on the field of valor, tears and all? We have lost so many already: Paper Mario, Olimar, Samus, Pit, Ice Climbers, Chibi Robo, Little Mac, Captain Toad, Fox McCloud, I anticipate more will fall before the calendar ends. Is Tom Nook next? Yoshi? Donkey Kong? Kirby? I loathe to think of the dominoes that will tumble if we are not careful. Who made the decision to give the Paper Mario games a sticker battle system? With no experience to gain? How was that a good idea? And do NOT get me started on Star Fox Zero.

As I look into the future, I wonder about our strengths and weaknesses as an army that once conquered the entire world. Our name ruled this fine industry, but if Rome can fall so too can the Mushroom Kingdom. What will our power look like when Microsoft brings out the big guns? Scorpio is a cannon and we have no artillery strikes left in our possession. I am filled with dread that our time in the limelight is not only over, but is on the verge of oblivion. I am a ball of twisted steel and nerve thinking about my men, wretched inside when they ask me about the next Mario Party game. I look into those poor designers cold, dead eyes and ask myself, ‘what have we become?’, and then I hear news that we estimate to sell 100+ million Switches lifetime. We said something similar about the Wii U, and were off about 90 million give or take.

“Not good. Not good at all. Not smart. Failing Nintendo, sad!” That’s what they’ll tweet out at our funeral.

Our eulogy will be a tweet. God damnit, that is depressing.

The Switch is our waterloo, and if we do not capitalize on the small amount of momentum we have in this current moment in time it will evaporate before our very eyes. Then what next, a Switch XL? A New Switch? A Switch Lite? Where will we go from there? We have more questions internally at Nintendo then answers, and Reggie is too headstrong to notice the glaring Achilles’s Heel that is bleeding all over the place. I have never spoken to the new CEO, he never says anything, even when I meet him and try to pry some knowledge loose. Nothing. Stone faced, a man who knows the ship is sinking and the Universal Studios deal is not enough to attract new younger fans, and not enough to keep the old ones asking for Mother 3 and Netflix support. We are a company trapped in time, a standstill of innovation and desperation, longingly looking at competitors once so insignificant we never thought to prepare the defenses. Now, our guard is down and they have the upper hand. It is all but over, and the few titles we put out a year, regardless of their quality, is nowhere close to the quantity of Sony, or the genius of Apple. Skirmishes spark, casualties mount, hope sinks with each muster. Disillusion is profound and plentiful, something I never imagined would happen to us. We made the SNES and the Super Scope!

So I sit here, in my office, in hiding and retreat, while the NES Classic and Switch reinforcements get lost in the wind. They are never coming, like Godot, and our ability to manufacture and market is long perished. My insides ache and my mind is a trap, ready to slam shut on the world. Conflicting interests clash with proud tradition and stubbornness, there is no firm command of strategy anymore, and I grow fond of dreaming about a time once filled with R.O.B. the Robots flooding the shelves on toy stores. These philistines will never truly appreciate good ol’ Rob, long may he rest in peace.

Weary, disappointed, saddened, the weight of this loss is like a black hole of misery. It burdens my bones every time I make a sketch of Mario’s new hat with the eyeballs on them. Is that all I have left in me? Can I not salvage anymore ideas worthy of triumph? Nintendo is forever dampened with the brutal, harsh, cold winds of winter and the Switch will collect snow and dust and ridicule before you know it, I am sure of it.

You can smell the hostility in the air, and it is only a matter of seconds before fingers start getting pointed with reckless abandon. Tear filled eyes and pounded desks simply hail in comparison to master works like The Witcher 3. Nintendo can never have a game like that on our console, so what is even the point? Why bother creating years of anticipation and hype to have it boil over in turmoil and whatever the hell Federation Force turned out to be? Try as I might, the twinkle in our collective eyes have burnt out, and faced with the reality of a modern landscape that is ever adapting, advancing, open, honest, and becoming smarter, Nintendo is a stick in the mud in comparison. A swamp where no seeds can grow, a desert with a single Zelda oasis. I am humbled by this experience, and have found that video games, war, and women do strange things to mortal men. The brigade that marched onto prosperity with the Wii was a gold mine filled with fool’s gold. The Switch is going to be our last console, and we don’t have enough Pokemon games in the ammo clip to reload fast enough. Our outlook is grim, and the night is full of terrors yet to come…I see it coming from a mile away. Am I the only one who senses this? It must be, since I’m writing you in secret using candlelight.

Send my best to the diehards, and make sure I am not forgotten. May I be remembered as a leader of men, a creator of a great many things, and a stubborn detractor of Miis. I was never for them. They forced me to like them, twisted my arm into releasing Wii Music. May the gods have mercy on my soul.

S.M. (Please keep my identity a secret)