The Cereal Box Mascot Tier List

The Column of All Cosmos

They are not all grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat, as it turns out.

Count Chocula, the best cereal on the planet, might not have the best mascot after all…

This has nothing to do with anything on this website. In fact, people have been ranking cereals for quite some time now. They are all wrong, of course, but I’m not here to get into that. I’m here to answer the question of which cereal box mascot would win in a fight, like a royal rumble or giant steel cage match in which only one can survive. I was listening to a Giant Bombcast a while back and it came up, like if there was a fighting game, who would the roster be, so I made this. A fighting game tier chart but, y’know, for cereal mascots.

The criteria is thus: how ruthless a killer you are, how good the cereal is, and how dumb their name is. That is about it. If you do not have a name, then you are bad and should feel bad.

---

F TIER — WOULD GET BODIED IMMEDIATELY

• Dig’em Frog from Honey Smacks:

He has a backwards baseball cap. He has attitude! He would be the first to die in the ring, he would be stepped on and forgotten about, just like his awful cereal.

• The mutated waffle from Waffle Crisps:

Someone put it out of its misery, it’s clearly the bi-product of a corporate lab experiment gone horribly awry. Waffle human transfusion is a crime against humanity.

• The two guys who ride bikes on the Grape-Nuts box:

They seem to be having a lovely time. They would get pushed off the bikes and beaten to death with them, the helmets would not help much either.

• The Cornflakes Rooster:

He has a crazy look in his eye, but really this thing would walk around the arena and be kicked once, and fall over and die.

• The creature from Frosted Mini-Wheats:

What is that thing? Is it sentient? Does it have a gender? Someone would eat it for energy, I’m assuming.

---

D TIER — WOULD GET BODIED SOON THERE AFTER

• CinnaMon and Bad Apple, from Apple Jacks:

Offensive pun aside, these two wouldn’t be the first to go, but would not fight because they’re probably stoned out of their minds. Someone has smoked weed from that apple guy FOR SURE, and the cinnamon dude looks like a blunt. Man that is racist the more I think about it, despite how god tier Apple Jacks is as a cereal.

• Toucan Sam and his children from Froot Loops:

Another amazing cereal I love, and another animal mascot that is not big or strong enough to put up a fight. Sure, fly around, until you get hit with something and just hit the ground for good. Sorry Sam, you were a family man.

• Tricks, the Trix rabbit:

Pro: he is bigger than human children, so the size advantage and shock factor could come in handy.

Con: he is consistently outsmarted by children. He is a giant wussy and can’t do anything right, that clumsy dumb fuck. He is too stupid to win anything, let alone a bowl of mediocre cereal.

• Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, who is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs:

He is clearly an addict, and would go into relapse without his puffs. He would keel over and OD, no chance at all. Also Cocoa Puffs are bad and if you eat them you should feel bad.

---

C TIER — WOULD NOT SUCK, WOULD NOT WIN EITHER

• Chef Wendell, of Cinnamon Toast Crunch fame:

He seems like he knows how to raise the fists and tussle, but he is too old, doesn’t have the height advantage, and if he loses his glasses he is done for. The chaos would be too much for him, and he will die a hero. Toast Crunch is mad good.

• Snap, Crackle, Pop from Rice Krispies:

Here are the questions I have for these three; do they know magic? Can they cast spells? Would they ever turn on each other when things got bad? They are brothers, so I doubt it. Being a gnome/elf hybrid means they’re really small, so they might be frisky but would not beat anyone tiered above C.

• Chip the Cookie Crisp wolf/dog from Cookie Crisp:

He used to be a dog, and now he’s a wolf. Is Chip a shapeshifter? A werewolf? An animorph? What is his nature? Can he be a cold blooded killer? Maybe get in some claw swipes, take out a few birds flying around the pit, but I don’t know if a dog can win.

• Lucky the Leprechaun, from Lucky Charms:

He is another mage, or conjurer, or wizard who can use magic to make it last a while. But I think he just summons cereal and rainbows, and not like lightning bolts or anything cool, or useful. So he’s another tiny non-human who would just be overpowered halfway through the fight.

---

B TIER — PUNCHER’S CHANCE

• Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble, from Cocoa Pebbles:

First of all, Cocoa Pebbles is one of the best cereals ever, and Fruity Pebbles are trash. Now that we got that out of the way, Fred and Barney would take out the other animals and creatures extremely well, but do not have the wit or ingenuity to withstand modern combat or technology. They only use primitive tools, and Bamm-Bamm is not walking through that door to help them.

• Buzz, the Cheerios bee:

He could kill one person. And himself in the process. Not a bad way to go out.

• Captain Crunch:

An 18th century naval captain, the Captain has had many a year of navigating the open waters, fist fighting on the seas of the world, and learning the harsh cruel nature of life. His actual name is Horatio Magellan Crunch, which means he knows a thing or two, since he’s named after a pretty smart fellow. But he’s not as young and spry as he used to be, and the roof of his mouth is probably all cut up from eating his cereal on his ship.

• The Quaker from Quaker Oats:

Why are all of these people so old? They’re from some really fucked up eras in history, which means you gotta be the best of the best to survive until you’re elderly. But as a man of peace, the Quaker guy would have to just concede and welcome the sweet embrace of death, after he realizes that god is dead, and is not in every soul like he was taught all his life.

• Sugar Bear from Golden Crisp:

He’s a fucking bear. With a shirt on. He wears human clothes, probably from his victims. Standing on hind legs, bears are gigantic, and he could take out a few people before going down, because Golden Crisp is disgusting and that bear has had too much shitty cereal to have the conditioning needed to survive.

---

A TIER — THE CREAM OF THE CROP

• Boo Berry:

Now we get to the real contenders. Booberry is a fucking ghost. How the fuck do you stop that? For one thing, Boo looks like he was a teenager who killed himself, so he may be inexperienced interacting with other people, especially ones that try to kill you. Also, I’m not sure how he would actually defeat people, outside of using the devil’s blood magic to possess or summon wraiths and specters. Really it comes down to if he can scare people to death, and if he goes back to hell after his cereal stops being sold in November.

• Franken Berry:

Frank here is maybe the biggest competitor, and has the brute strength and raw killing potential to go the distance. But, he could fall apart, and come away at the seams, so you know where the weaknesses are; in the pipes shooting out of his head. Just twist and snap off, and he is decapitated.

• Count Alfred Chocula:

Count Chocula, the best cereal known to man, is a vampire. He would get to feed off of almost all of the combatants listed here, because they all have the blood he seeks, the fuel he craves. But, as we all know, vampires are not immortal, and so you could take on his frail figure and take him out if you know what you’re doing.

• Tony the Tiger, Frosted Flakes:

Tony is a fucking tiger. Nature’s killing machine, he is born to murder and maul. He’s huge, fit, excises, and is primed for carnage. He even has a bib for the gore! But would the best animal on this list defeat the best human, or supernatural creature? I doubt it, but I would not want to fuck with Tony.

• Sunny the Sun, from Raisin Bran:

Is he the sun? Like, the actual sun? Our sun? Or another sun? He is small? Big? How close to becoming a star is he? Can he explode soon? Implode? He is burning out? Would he drop his two scoops, or use them? Can he burn people to death? Well, I cannot say for sure, but he seems highly volatile, and Raisin Bran is gross and not worth eating. Fuck that shit.

• Any athlete from Wheaties:

Take your pick; Jerry Rice, Jesse Owens, Bob Cousy, Bart Starr, Carl Lewis, Pete Rose, Walter Payton, Jim Kelly, Michael Jordan, the Detroit Pistons, Horace Grant, Babe Ruth, Larry Bird, John Elway, Cal Ripken Jr., Dan Marino, Jackie Robinson, Steve Young, Troy Aikman, Mean Joe Greene, Terrell Davis, Brett Farve, Mark McGwire, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Arnold Palmer, Joe Torre, Muhammad Ali, Hank Aaron, Kevin Garnett, Wayne Gretzky, Peyton Manning, Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz, David Robinson, Michael Phelps, Michael Vick, Dr. J, Doug Flutie, Bill Russell, Lindsey Vonn, Willis Reed, Aaron Rodgers, Stephen Curry, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Marcus Allen, Wilt Chamberlin, Walt Frazier, Marshall Faulk, Magic Johnson, Scottie Pippen, Rod Woodson, or Nolan Ryan.

Not Lou Gehrig though, he was the first guy on the box. Yeah, that would not work out well.

---

S TIER — BET YOUR MONEY ON HIM

• Mr. T

I pity the fool who picks against him. I dare you, fucker. I fucking dare you. Do it. You won’t. He would beat any sucker dumb enough to get in the ring with him.

The Official Backyard Baseball Tier List

The Column of All Cosmos

We want a batter, not a broken ladder!

We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!

We all played this game when we grew up, right? Alongside all of the other Humongous games made for children in the ‘90s? Some of those games are still great, and hold up really well (like Spy Fox’s humor). Others don’t, and this might be one of them. But instead of admitting that and doing a deep dive into why, I’ll just stick with my nostalgia and make a tier list for the best players in the game. I have to keep those warm memories with me, and not crush them by playing this game and being disappointed.

The criteria is simple: I added each player’s stats together, figured out who had the most raw talent in each of the four categories of skill (batting, pitching, fielding, and running), and sort of went from there. Hitting is the most important, you want power to end games because offense = wins. Fielding is next in importance because you need to be able to shut down the AI when they do inevitably hit, and you won’t be able to play all 9 guys on the field at once. Running is next, it can be really helpful in certain moments of a tight game, and pitching is least important. Just pick a spot and throw, and hope they don’t hit the ball, there’s almost nothing you can do.

And now for the best character in video games to introduce us in, is VINNIE THE GOOCH!!!!!!!!!!!

F TIER:

30. Jorge Garcia — Sorry Jorge, you are the worst player in the game. Logic would reason that being average at everything, a jack of all trades, master of none, would be helpful. It isn’t. You have no skills, can’t do anything beyond mediocrity, and I don’t know what position you play. The description below says your poor eyesight on a count of social Darwinism means you can’t even be hid out in the outfield! What a joke you are Jorge.

29. Reese Worthington — So slightly better than him is a kid who can run around and play outfield. Great. Nothing special to see here folks. Especially when it blatantly says below he is too short and can’t play in the field. What garbage.

28. Gretchen Hasselhoff — She would be completely useless if not for the fact that she can pitch and run after a decent swing. Otherwise, look elsewhere for pitchers.

27. Kimmy Eckman — Pippy Longstocking here can hit a long ball, but cannot for the life of her chase after it. If you can’t circle the bases you’re dead in the water, and with no other skills, Kimmy is trash tier.

26. Sally Dobbs — This lovable loser can do one thing slightly better than these other F tier kids: field. You can safely put her in the outfield or diamond and she will not screw anything up for you. But, unfortunately, she cannot hit, so she is ranked low.

D TIER:

T — 22. Sidney Webber, Ashley Webber, Ricky Johnson, Lisa Crocket — These asshats are the absolute last picks in a draft, and should not be taken unless you need to fill in bodies on a roster. They can be a great pitching rotation by themselves, but unfortunately cannot do much else well enough to matter. They can’t hit, they can’t play the field, so they are D tier.

21. Billy Jean Blackwood — I just read that player description again and laughed at it. She can hit, which is good. She cannot run or pitch, which is bad. She can play first base, which is great. She cannot catch very well, the most important thing at that position, which is not great. Avoid her and her freakish pre-teen body.

C TIER:

T — 19. Amir Khan and Ronnie Dobbs — These two dorky looking clowns are almost useless, other than they can hit well and aren’t horrible at anything in particular. The pitching stat is wasted on these guys because there are better pitchers who have other attributes. They are the definition of mediocre, C tier players.

18. Vicki Kawaguchi — Vicki is like Draymond Green, the ultimate utility player. She can do everything except score, which puts her dead last on a batting order and makes any manager afraid when she is at the plate. Speed is great, 4/4 speed is blazing, and the fielding is terrific, but the pitching stat is useless and it’s hard to justify using her other than sparingly.

17. Luanne Lui — She is an interesting back-up, and you can only use her as pitching relief. She can hit decently well, but makes for a great bunter who can gun it going 9th in the line-up when you need a pinch hit. Luanne is a fun risk/reward player.

16. Marky Dubois — There are other players who have similar stat-lines, but the problem with Marky the redneck/churchgoer here is that he cannot run. At all. He can hit, but if it’s not a home-run you’re toast. And you won’t ever use him as a pitcher, so it’s hard to rank him as B tier with such a vital flaw in his game. You need to score runs in this game, and he is a liability.

B TIER:

15. Dante Robinson — For someone with such a wicked awesome afro, he sure is a speed demon. Dante is a great clean-up guy, someone who can be relied on for his lightning fast running and stealing skills, and can be put at any base for fast tag-outs. Sometimes you need guys on your team like this.

14. Dmitri Petrovich — Another strong bat in the line-up is never a bad thing, especially since he can run after some line drives and bunts, saving innings by himself. Otherwise, hide him in the outfield and rely on his power and speed.

13. Tony Delvecchio — I am a sucker for Tony, the Italian stereotypical kid. I like having him on my team because he reminds me of my family, and he’s funny. The stats are decent enough, hits and fields, that’s what you want a majority of your roster to do well, and this is a sentimental ranking mostly at 13, but the B tier status is undeniable, considering the most important stats he has in spades.

T-11. Maria Luna and Annie Frazier—Both very well rounded players, much Maria and Annie are both solid enough overall to choose safely. The pitching stats are awful but you don’t need 9 pitchers on a team, you need hitters and runners and fielders and basemen. They do it all, and are great for any team.

A TIER:

10. Kenny Kawaguchi — Here is the other ace pitcher, and a terrific back-up/reliever/closer. With the wheels, he can be dangerously slippery and steal bases and make up for his lack-luster batting. He won’t be out in the field much, but on the mound, he is a flamethrower. What good upper body strength.

9. Ernie Steele — Future Golden Glove winner Ernie here is important for catching flies, stopping double or triple plays from snowballing, and can also fill in as a relief pitcher (which many of the cast can do, admittedly). But his defense is top notch and I don’t mind that he isn’t flashy.

8. Achmen Khan — Achmed is the prime example of a great catcher. He can hit it far when needed, or bunt and run in a pinch, and you hide his fielding flaws by putting him behind the plate. This guy is always my catcher on a team, and I love having as many power hitters to squeak out a close game or to close out a big lead.

7. Stephanie Morgan — The actually most well rounded player (besides the GOAT at number 1, look out for that), Steph is a lock because of her versatility. She doesn’t have a 4 in any stat, but that’s okay, this isn’t golf or tennis. This is a team game!

6. Mikey Thomas — Mikey is a slower Jocinda (coming up next); same positives but slightly worse negatives. But that is okay for a pudgy hitter, because he is essentially the David Ortiz of this game, except he can also be in the field and not be stuck at DH. Having offense is important in this game, since there are only 2 ace pitchers in the game.

S TIER:

5. Jocinda Smith — She is a power hitter who is sensational at defense. I do not care if she’s slow or can’t do much else, you knock one out of the ballpark and it does not matter how long it takes to circle the plates.

4. Angela Delvecchio — Not a bad placing for someone with poor overall collective stats. But she is the best pitcher in the game, and is only one of two players with a 4/4 rating in pitching. She is the Sandy Koufax of this game, and she doesn’t have to go last in your batting order because she is also above average at hitting! Holy hell, is she reliable and versatile. That kid has got quite the arm.

3. Pete Wheeler — Pete might be a real dummy, and really annoying, but my lord is he well rounded and a mandatory top five pick. You can put him first in your batting order and let him rip the whole game through, because he hits, he plays good D, and he runs like the wind.

2. Kiesha Phillips — She is Pablo light; she can do everything offensively that he can, but is slightly worse in the field. But that’s okay, being the second best player is nothing to sneeze at, when you’re following in the footsteps of the Greatest Of All Time aka the GOAT.

The obvious number 1 and GOAT of Backyard Baseball is Pablo Sanchez — The Secret Weapon, he has nearly maxed out stats, and is the best character in the game. You pick him number 1, every time. Way too OP for a children’s sports game. He bats fourth in the line-up, with bases loaded, and it’s game over. Plus his music is so godlike, so yeah this game is essentially Pablo Sanchez Baseball 1997, that should be the title. He has a 3 in pitching, how fucking preposterous is that!

I Have A Sports Game Dilemma

Experiencing Content

As an armchair physician and hypochondriac, I have diagnosed myself because there is something wrong with me, apparently.

I used a picture of Rose on the Bulls because I can’t stand him on my Knicks. Fuck Derrick Rose.

On this episode of Experiencing Content, I rake my feet over the coals, and attempt to figure out the case of the disappearing interest and love for sports games. Maybe it’s because all the fun arcade style games and wealth of options in the ’90s and ’00s have given way to a worse sports game landscape. Or maybe I’m just a jaded old man, who knows. Speculate by watching the video below!

If you are so inclined, the link for my channel (where you can find other videos in the series) is here. And you can follow me on Twitter here.