Loop-de-loop and pull, and your shoes are looking cool!
Is it spelled gameplay, game play, or game-play?
So I originally planned on making a video about Nioh. Then I beat that game and started Horizon, and then planned on adding another 5 minutes or so. But then I rambled while recording and editing, and it ballooned from 10 to almost 20 minutes and now you have to watch this thing, it’s super long. So enjoy, I go off on a rant about Halo, that was not planned either. I have to write scripts for these, but I can’t find the time.
Not to be confused with Hearthstone, that’s a different thing
Only you can prevent forest fires
I don’t think we give enough credit to CD Projekt for being excellent writers, and so I’m here to do just that. I can’t stop thinking about my 200 hour expedition into The Witcher 3, and although I’m done with it, it left an indelible mark on me, especially with Iris, a woman who thought she was marrying the perfect husband and ended up being a casualty of a deal with the devil gone wrong. Hearts of Stone tackles love, misery, loss, marriage, and consequence, and ends up having some wonderful moments where theme is all over every mission and action. Painting a world that reflects what you feel is one thing, but being trapped inside someone’s art is another, and I simply love the writing here to death. This shit gets me every time:
“I’ll remember you”, says Iris.
“It matters not”, says Olgierd.
Everything she says is poetry, every fucking line; she earns every moment and is one of the most tragic characters in games that I can ever remember. So enough babbling, watch the video.
I will try my best to not give the entire show an F.
I refuse to call this game Anthem because that’s my health insurance. This will forever be known as Bioware’s Destiny
I’m on vacation right now, I don’t feel like doing an introduction. You know exactly what kind of article this is, the title says it all. I’m sure you’ve read a million of these already, maybe even written your own, and we’ve all come to a conclusion on the best and worst of E3. The middle might be different based on several factors but honestly who cares. There is no criteria, just read whatever I wrote and go on with your day. Thank you.
PC Gaming Show gets an F
Stop doing press conferences.
EA gets a D-
Stop doing press conferences. You clearly don’t want to do them, you feel obligated to, so just don’t. Nobody is forcing you to. Stream your big fall shooter elsewhere, or don’t bother otherwise. Really, this isn’t an eSports tournament, this is E3. We don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about when you shout-cast a game nobody has played yet. You ruined the Anthem reveal at Microsoft (it looks cool), and outside of A Way Out (also looks cool) you had a waste of a show and should just stop wasting money entirely. Do an EA direct and don’t bring out Andrew Wilson out on stage in a shiny suit any longer. Where the fuck was Amy Henning’s game? Burnout? Skate 4? You’re trash EA.
Bethesda gets a C+
Stop doing press conferences. If you don’t have anything gigantic to announce, i.e. a Fallout or Elder Scrolls, then stay home. Don’t make an audience, both online and in person, sit and watch that 40 minute trailer. It was useless. These were all press releases, and the two “genuine” surprises were not surprising at all because they leaked ahead of time. Like Dishonored 2. You clearly felt the need to keep doing these things, and didn’t have the line-up to do so. Sound familiar? This trend is harrowing, because either these companies are going through the motions at this point, honestly don’t have enough to show, or are intentionally hiding stuff back to make the whole year feel “special”. Go to hell Bethesda. And while you’re at it, fix your review policy because it backfired on Prey whereas it got lucky with Doom. Let Todd Howard break free from his rusty cage, damnit.
Microsoft gets a B-, deserves worse
You stupid idiots. You stupid fucking idiots. You had the perfect opportunity and you blew it. Did you watch that Sony show? It was basically a repeat of last year! They didn’t show anything new! You had the CHANCE to get back in the game, and you blew it. Now Sony is going to flex its muscles all year, cutting the price on their consoles, showing off the awesome games they decided to hold off on at E3 as they dominate Gamescom and Playstation Experience and you’ll have what. What? I’m so ticked off, you have no idea. I own both an Xbox One and PS4 and I love the rivalry, and as much as I adore the flubs Jim Ryan of Sony, and the easy home runs Microsoft hit off those softballs, the show wasn’t enough. It was a very good show, very solid, but not what you needed to do. The Xbox One X is fine, the name is fine, the price is fine. Not spectacular. Sea of Thieves looks sick, Forza 7 looks sick, Crackdown 3…we’ll see. They were not firework explosions. Anthem and Shadow of War and AC Origins all seem like safe bets and will be worthy of buying if you’re into those things. Not a single one is an exclusive. Cuphead got a release date, thank goodness, Ori 2 is real thank goodness, and PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds (which I correctly predicted) is coming as well thank GOODNESS. They will show up on other consoles eventually. This was the time for a knockout punch when Sony seemed on the ropes, and you just jabbed them and then walked away. Failing Microsoft. Sad!
Sony gets a B, deserves worse
You fucking idiots. Y’all real fucking lucky Microsoft didn’t land the uppercut because you can tell Layden was either not committing the big guns to E3 because he didn’t need to, or The Last of Us Part 2 and Death Stranding and Sucker Punch’s new game are just not ready to show. But while that makes their E3 showing the worst one in years, it doesn’t sink them whatsoever. Buy a PS4 and play Horizon or Nioh and have a great time. God of War, sign me up. Detroit? Sure I guess. Spider-man? It is probably a lot of people’s Game of the Show. Uncharted with Chloe? As Rick James once said: “give it to me, baby”. Shadow of the Colossus with better controls? Fuck yeah. Still not sold on Days Gone, and other than that there wasn’t anything of note. It really was a repeat of last year, which is why I’m so lukewarm on Sony this year. But those few games are very impressive, but there was no mind blowing announcements, which is the fucking point of E3, and Sony knew that because they demonstrated it ever since 2013. They’re the kings of reveals, and just didn’t want to waste their ammo this year, which is lame but understandable.
Ubisoft gets an A-
NOW we get to the good stuff, which there is not enough of this year. Ubisoft knew how to put on a conference, and oddly not having a host really helped. They cut down on the amount of AC Origins because they already showed that at Microsoft (see EA? That’s how you do it). They opened the show with Miyamoto making gifs and memes, and that Kingdom Battle game looks nuts, what a fever dream. That should not be real, someone at Ubisoft came up with that playing Mad Libs. South Park got 2 games, which both look very good, there were no Tom Clancy games or Splinter Cell reboot, but that didn’t really hamper anything. Just Dance was very short this year, and had some really hot singer there so I didn’t take a bathroom break, and they ended the show with Far Cry 5 (I’m hype beyond words) and possibly the moment of the show with Michel Ancel crying at BG&E2. What a fucking reveal, what a trailer, what a moment. Ubisoft, that is how you do E3, lead by example and show these other fuckers how to do it right!
Nintendo gets an A, and the title of best show at E3, somehow
I cannot believe they won. They get a flat A, begrudgingly, but the company with the lowest expectations, and the shortest number of games and time spent showing said games, only brought the best. The absolute best. Stunning how short and sweet and simple it all was. Show a video, no fat, all big shit, the best surprises, and then BAM a trailer for Super Mario Odyssey that goes straight into the Treehouse stream for more gameplay. And let me be clear: the moment of E3 might have been Beyond Good and Evil 2, but THEY HAD TWO METROID GAMES. TWO. One was 3D and one was 2D! Are you kidding me? The one-two punch of present and future with Metroid Prime 4 and Cappy the hat on a taxi and a dinosaur, that was just too much to handle. I do not remember the last time my jaw literally dropped watching a trailer, for a game I have already seen! Incredible, Odyssey is my Game of the Show, the Best of E3, and Nintendo just crushed it. I have to buy a Switch now, god fucking damnit Nintendo I don’t have the time or money for this shit, I hate you. Fuck, that game looks so good though.
The bait and switch on this trailer is astonishing, and needs to win an award.
I foresee…a lot of correct predictions…if you click on this…
We are so close to E3 I can taste it. And it tastes…good. Real good. The yummy, scrumptious, delicious E3 rumors are so addicting, I just had to make this video before we find out all of E3’s secrets the weekend before in hilarious leaks. So check the date of this one, because if I’m right, I don’t want anyone claiming I had inside intel, or stole info after the fact, or any of that shit. Not having it guys. None of it.
Not this kind of battle, but whatever, you do you Ubisoft
Battle stations! E3 is coming, so prepare for war! Exclamation points galore! Here I lay out what each company doing a press conference should do, or else be scorned by history and gamers on the internet.
I know you love me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I hear you calling me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you, to you I’m so in love with you I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I need you to feel me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you…
I know you love me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s roll up to be a single star in the sky I hear you calling me I wanna wad you up into my life Let’s lump up to make a single star in the sky To you, oh to you Yes to you
This is not about the video game ‘Evolve’, don’t worry.
The newest update to Afterbirth came to Switch, and not PS4 or Xbox One. WTF
Whenever I make YouTube videos, I sometimes steal movie clips when I’m editing. This is a problem because whenever I upload videos with these clips in them, it gets flagged by the studio who owns the rights. So in an attempt to circumvent this, I found a trick that lets me get away with it clean, and the following ramble is the result of using Jurassic Park, successfully, without permission. Sorry Universal.
How there isn’t a sequel to this game is beyond my comprehension, and it confuses and sickens me.
Another Valve writer left the company. Another day goes by without Valve creating a new video game using their new engine, which they made to make new games. When will Gordon Freeman see the light of day? When will we get to play with portals again? Do I have to buy a Vive to see Aperture Science once more? Will Gabe ever listen to our pleads and cries and prays? I’m willing to give you my money Gabe, just take it! I don’t want to play DOTA or buy Counter-Strike knife skins, just do something! Anything! You can leave Steam alone for now, I’ll learn to live with it, just don’t leave us hanging, please.
Here is Half-Life 2 being inducted into the Level Design Hall of Fame. I’ve accepted the fact that we will never see Half-Life 3, and Valve will be radio silent forever about it. Ghosting us just like every woman in my life.
We all played this game when we grew up, right? Alongside all of the other Humongous games made for children in the ‘90s? Some of those games are still great, and hold up really well (like Spy Fox’s humor). Others don’t, and this might be one of them. But instead of admitting that and doing a deep dive into why, I’ll just stick with my nostalgia and make a tier list for the best players in the game. I have to keep those warm memories with me, and not crush them by playing this game and being disappointed.
The criteria is simple: I added each player’s stats together, figured out who had the most raw talent in each of the four categories of skill (batting, pitching, fielding, and running), and sort of went from there. Hitting is the most important, you want power to end games because offense = wins. Fielding is next in importance because you need to be able to shut down the AI when they do inevitably hit, and you won’t be able to play all 9 guys on the field at once. Running is next, it can be really helpful in certain moments of a tight game, and pitching is least important. Just pick a spot and throw, and hope they don’t hit the ball, there’s almost nothing you can do.
And now for the best character in video games to introduce us in, is VINNIE THE GOOCH!!!!!!!!!!!
F TIER:
30. Jorge Garcia — Sorry Jorge, you are the worst player in the game. Logic would reason that being average at everything, a jack of all trades, master of none, would be helpful. It isn’t. You have no skills, can’t do anything beyond mediocrity, and I don’t know what position you play. The description below says your poor eyesight on a count of social Darwinism means you can’t even be hid out in the outfield! What a joke you are Jorge.
29. Reese Worthington — So slightly better than him is a kid who can run around and play outfield. Great. Nothing special to see here folks. Especially when it blatantly says below he is too short and can’t play in the field. What garbage.
28. Gretchen Hasselhoff — She would be completely useless if not for the fact that she can pitch and run after a decent swing. Otherwise, look elsewhere for pitchers.
27. Kimmy Eckman — Pippy Longstocking here can hit a long ball, but cannot for the life of her chase after it. If you can’t circle the bases you’re dead in the water, and with no other skills, Kimmy is trash tier.
26. Sally Dobbs — This lovable loser can do one thing slightly better than these other F tier kids: field. You can safely put her in the outfield or diamond and she will not screw anything up for you. But, unfortunately, she cannot hit, so she is ranked low.
D TIER:
T — 22. Sidney Webber, Ashley Webber, Ricky Johnson, Lisa Crocket — These asshats are the absolute last picks in a draft, and should not be taken unless you need to fill in bodies on a roster. They can be a great pitching rotation by themselves, but unfortunately cannot do much else well enough to matter. They can’t hit, they can’t play the field, so they are D tier.
21. Billy Jean Blackwood — I just read that player description again and laughed at it. She can hit, which is good. She cannot run or pitch, which is bad. She can play first base, which is great. She cannot catch very well, the most important thing at that position, which is not great. Avoid her and her freakish pre-teen body.
C TIER:
T — 19. Amir Khan and Ronnie Dobbs — These two dorky looking clowns are almost useless, other than they can hit well and aren’t horrible at anything in particular. The pitching stat is wasted on these guys because there are better pitchers who have other attributes. They are the definition of mediocre, C tier players.
18. Vicki Kawaguchi — Vicki is like Draymond Green, the ultimate utility player. She can do everything except score, which puts her dead last on a batting order and makes any manager afraid when she is at the plate. Speed is great, 4/4 speed is blazing, and the fielding is terrific, but the pitching stat is useless and it’s hard to justify using her other than sparingly.
17. Luanne Lui — She is an interesting back-up, and you can only use her as pitching relief. She can hit decently well, but makes for a great bunter who can gun it going 9th in the line-up when you need a pinch hit. Luanne is a fun risk/reward player.
16. Marky Dubois — There are other players who have similar stat-lines, but the problem with Marky the redneck/churchgoer here is that he cannot run. At all. He can hit, but if it’s not a home-run you’re toast. And you won’t ever use him as a pitcher, so it’s hard to rank him as B tier with such a vital flaw in his game. You need to score runs in this game, and he is a liability.
B TIER:
15. Dante Robinson — For someone with such a wicked awesome afro, he sure is a speed demon. Dante is a great clean-up guy, someone who can be relied on for his lightning fast running and stealing skills, and can be put at any base for fast tag-outs. Sometimes you need guys on your team like this.
14. Dmitri Petrovich — Another strong bat in the line-up is never a bad thing, especially since he can run after some line drives and bunts, saving innings by himself. Otherwise, hide him in the outfield and rely on his power and speed.
13. Tony Delvecchio — I am a sucker for Tony, the Italian stereotypical kid. I like having him on my team because he reminds me of my family, and he’s funny. The stats are decent enough, hits and fields, that’s what you want a majority of your roster to do well, and this is a sentimental ranking mostly at 13, but the B tier status is undeniable, considering the most important stats he has in spades.
T-11. Maria Luna and Annie Frazier—Both very well rounded players, much Maria and Annie are both solid enough overall to choose safely. The pitching stats are awful but you don’t need 9 pitchers on a team, you need hitters and runners and fielders and basemen. They do it all, and are great for any team.
A TIER:
10. Kenny Kawaguchi — Here is the other ace pitcher, and a terrific back-up/reliever/closer. With the wheels, he can be dangerously slippery and steal bases and make up for his lack-luster batting. He won’t be out in the field much, but on the mound, he is a flamethrower. What good upper body strength.
9. Ernie Steele — Future Golden Glove winner Ernie here is important for catching flies, stopping double or triple plays from snowballing, and can also fill in as a relief pitcher (which many of the cast can do, admittedly). But his defense is top notch and I don’t mind that he isn’t flashy.
8. Achmen Khan — Achmed is the prime example of a great catcher. He can hit it far when needed, or bunt and run in a pinch, and you hide his fielding flaws by putting him behind the plate. This guy is always my catcher on a team, and I love having as many power hitters to squeak out a close game or to close out a big lead.
7. Stephanie Morgan — The actually most well rounded player (besides the GOAT at number 1, look out for that), Steph is a lock because of her versatility. She doesn’t have a 4 in any stat, but that’s okay, this isn’t golf or tennis. This is a team game!
6. Mikey Thomas — Mikey is a slower Jocinda (coming up next); same positives but slightly worse negatives. But that is okay for a pudgy hitter, because he is essentially the David Ortiz of this game, except he can also be in the field and not be stuck at DH. Having offense is important in this game, since there are only 2 ace pitchers in the game.
S TIER:
5. Jocinda Smith — She is a power hitter who is sensational at defense. I do not care if she’s slow or can’t do much else, you knock one out of the ballpark and it does not matter how long it takes to circle the plates.
4. Angela Delvecchio — Not a bad placing for someone with poor overall collective stats. But she is the best pitcher in the game, and is only one of two players with a 4/4 rating in pitching. She is the Sandy Koufax of this game, and she doesn’t have to go last in your batting order because she is also above average at hitting! Holy hell, is she reliable and versatile. That kid has got quite the arm.
3. Pete Wheeler — Pete might be a real dummy, and really annoying, but my lord is he well rounded and a mandatory top five pick. You can put him first in your batting order and let him rip the whole game through, because he hits, he plays good D, and he runs like the wind.
2. Kiesha Phillips — She is Pablo light; she can do everything offensively that he can, but is slightly worse in the field. But that’s okay, being the second best player is nothing to sneeze at, when you’re following in the footsteps of the Greatest Of All Time aka the GOAT.
The obvious number 1 and GOAT of Backyard Baseball is Pablo Sanchez — The Secret Weapon, he has nearly maxed out stats, and is the best character in the game. You pick him number 1, every time. Way too OP for a children’s sports game. He bats fourth in the line-up, with bases loaded, and it’s game over. Plus his music is so godlike, so yeah this game is essentially Pablo Sanchez Baseball 1997, that should be the title. He has a 3 in pitching, how fucking preposterous is that!
I still have no idea what the title of this game means, by the way
Out of all of the Level Design Hall of Fame videos I have done, or intend to do, I don’t think anything will achieve the brilliance that this game is able to pull off. The Witness is a game that is capable of blowing your mind through nothing but pure gameplay, at its most basic and conceptual level. No text, no story, no guide, no map, quest arrow, items, enemies, AI, nothing. Nothing but puzzles and intricate level design, art design, sound design, and magic fairy pixie dust sprinkled on top for good measure. It’s incredibly rare to find something like this, so let’s marvel at this masterpiece.
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